You never need to apologise to me for anything, Ziggy.
Hiroki, desperately wishes he could share all of his life with Ziggy, go with Ziggy everywhere, do everything, but if he can't, he'll just do all he can with his beloved. Give him what he can give him, and try not to blame himself for not being able to be there for Ziggy in every possible way.
If Ziggy listens very, very attentively, he'll hear a quiet thought-
I didn't know what I am, and what the witch, Honerva, was doing, because I didn't want to know. For all the thousand of times I felt strange, I felt wrong, I felt a stranger to myself, sometimes a little bit, slightly too different from 'the myself' of twenty five years of 'my' memories, sometimes I almost felt as if surely my mind had split into two or I don't even know what - I've only told Lance once. When we had limited oxygen. If not for that, I'd probably not even say it back then. Once! If said more, if I did more, if I truly let the others know - things would've been different. I'm sure of it. Meanwhile I said nothing because - because I thought I was crazy. That I was going insane. I'm selfish, and I'm weak! If I reached for help, to closest friends who wanted to help me, things could've been different. I know they could've been. Perhaps - I could've even still be alive. Yes, that's - that's not wrong, is it?
Honerva wins only when one shies away from one's bonds with others. If I was alone, by now, I would've ceased to exist.
He then realises Ziggy might've heard all this and for a split second he wonders if that's alright, but-- if it's Ziggy, it's fine. He doesn't need to hide his shame for his inaction from Ziggy, because, well - didn't he promise to have no secrets from Ziggy? Well, maybe he hasn't, but he wouldn't mind doing so, in the future.
Of course Ziggy can have secrets from Hiroki if he wants to, this is just that he's willing to open up to Ziggy. He is. Slowly. Well, slowly for Hiroki, who hasn't actually lived long. For somebody else, this could be considered very fast. It's been a few months, hasn't it? Since their first meeting. His and Ziggy's. Or just a bit more.
For Hiroki, that's a big chunk of life, he knows now, and feels that acutely. And so many things have happened.
And he wants to open up to Ziggy, even on such things, so even if Ziggy's heard all of his thoughts just now, it's fine - probably.
1/2
You never need to apologise to me for anything, Ziggy.
Hiroki, desperately wishes he could share all of his life with Ziggy, go with Ziggy everywhere, do everything, but if he can't, he'll just do all he can with his beloved. Give him what he can give him, and try not to blame himself for not being able to be there for Ziggy in every possible way.
If Ziggy listens very, very attentively, he'll hear a quiet thought-
I didn't know what I am, and what the witch, Honerva, was doing, because I didn't want to know. For all the thousand of times I felt strange, I felt wrong, I felt a stranger to myself, sometimes a little bit, slightly too different from 'the myself' of twenty five years of 'my' memories, sometimes I almost felt as if surely my mind had split into two or I don't even know what - I've only told Lance once. When we had limited oxygen. If not for that, I'd probably not even say it back then. Once! If said more, if I did more, if I truly let the others know - things would've been different. I'm sure of it. Meanwhile I said nothing because - because I thought I was crazy. That I was going insane. I'm selfish, and I'm weak! If I reached for help, to closest friends who wanted to help me, things could've been different. I know they could've been. Perhaps - I could've even still be alive. Yes, that's - that's not wrong, is it?
Honerva wins only when one shies away from one's bonds with others. If I was alone, by now, I would've ceased to exist.
He then realises Ziggy might've heard all this and for a split second he wonders if that's alright, but-- if it's Ziggy, it's fine. He doesn't need to hide his shame for his inaction from Ziggy, because, well - didn't he promise to have no secrets from Ziggy? Well, maybe he hasn't, but he wouldn't mind doing so, in the future.
Of course Ziggy can have secrets from Hiroki if he wants to, this is just that he's willing to open up to Ziggy. He is. Slowly. Well, slowly for Hiroki, who hasn't actually lived long. For somebody else, this could be considered very fast. It's been a few months, hasn't it? Since their first meeting. His and Ziggy's. Or just a bit more.
For Hiroki, that's a big chunk of life, he knows now, and feels that acutely. And so many things have happened.
And he wants to open up to Ziggy, even on such things, so even if Ziggy's heard all of his thoughts just now, it's fine - probably.