Ziggy Stardust (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ziggyplayedguitar) wrote2020-06-21 09:45 pm
ziggyplayedguitar) wrote2020-06-21 09:45 pm
Entry tags:
Life of a Rockstar for Hiroki Shirogane
[Continued from here}
Ziggy had paced around for an hour feeling manic and hurt. He wasn't used to people pushing him away. It didn't matter that there were apologies and promises. Ziggy had been hurt in his life; physically but heartache was worse. He didn't like it. The whole mess of his mind gave him a migraine as he tried to sort through being pushed away and drawn in and pushed away again in an endless cycle for weeks now.
When they came together, it was glory, but then he'd walk away and Ziggy pined for him. The joy of reunion too short and another shove away. He'd been left at the dinner table of their first date even. He just walked away all the time. There was a promise in the words to never do it again. Ziggy didn't trust it. He stood for a long time leaning on the wall staring between the bedroom door and the front door. He could imagine him walking out and just not even giving him a second glance.
This was insanity. Ziggy broke out the whiskey as he paced. He chugged 5ths because it barely effected him though it dulled his cares. Then he'd turned to lines of cocaine to numb his emotions. Drugs effected him differently than a human. More whiskey and staring out windows at the dark. He even stood at the bedroom door tempted to bash it down when he started feeling the numbness and then walked away. Empty whiskey bottles were here and there all over the townhouse before he had any direction.
He went into the room he'd set up as a studio of sorts to write. Still in just the robe. Who cared? Head phones on to blot out the world and a ball on to record in case something good came out. He started with things he'd already wrote, songs he liked that weren't his. He eventually started to go stream of consciousness. things came and went.
Then a song stuck and he worked on it. This was where his empathy went wild. When he sang something new, sang because he needed the words. The pain and the hope of what was happening to his heart laid out in his voice and the guitar. The rest of the world could have been laid to waste and he might not notice.
Every time I think of what you pulled me through, dear
Fascination moves sweeping near me
Still I take ya
fascination
(Sure 'nuff) fascination
(Takes a part of me) takes a part of me
(Can a heart beat) can a heart beat
(Live in a fever) live in a fever?
(Raging inside of me?)
(Fascination) fascination
(Oh, yeah) oh yeah
(Takes a part of me) takes a part of me
(I can't help it) I can't help it
(I've got to use her) got to use her
(Every time, ooh)
Fascination comes around
(Ooh, oo, ooh)
your soul is calling
Like when I'm walking
Seems that everywhere I turn
I hope you're waiting for me
I know that people think
That I'm a little crazy
[the song Ziggy is currently 'writing']
Ziggy had paced around for an hour feeling manic and hurt. He wasn't used to people pushing him away. It didn't matter that there were apologies and promises. Ziggy had been hurt in his life; physically but heartache was worse. He didn't like it. The whole mess of his mind gave him a migraine as he tried to sort through being pushed away and drawn in and pushed away again in an endless cycle for weeks now.
When they came together, it was glory, but then he'd walk away and Ziggy pined for him. The joy of reunion too short and another shove away. He'd been left at the dinner table of their first date even. He just walked away all the time. There was a promise in the words to never do it again. Ziggy didn't trust it. He stood for a long time leaning on the wall staring between the bedroom door and the front door. He could imagine him walking out and just not even giving him a second glance.
This was insanity. Ziggy broke out the whiskey as he paced. He chugged 5ths because it barely effected him though it dulled his cares. Then he'd turned to lines of cocaine to numb his emotions. Drugs effected him differently than a human. More whiskey and staring out windows at the dark. He even stood at the bedroom door tempted to bash it down when he started feeling the numbness and then walked away. Empty whiskey bottles were here and there all over the townhouse before he had any direction.
He went into the room he'd set up as a studio of sorts to write. Still in just the robe. Who cared? Head phones on to blot out the world and a ball on to record in case something good came out. He started with things he'd already wrote, songs he liked that weren't his. He eventually started to go stream of consciousness. things came and went.
Then a song stuck and he worked on it. This was where his empathy went wild. When he sang something new, sang because he needed the words. The pain and the hope of what was happening to his heart laid out in his voice and the guitar. The rest of the world could have been laid to waste and he might not notice.
Every time I think of what you pulled me through, dear
Fascination moves sweeping near me
Still I take ya
fascination
(Sure 'nuff) fascination
(Takes a part of me) takes a part of me
(Can a heart beat) can a heart beat
(Live in a fever) live in a fever?
(Raging inside of me?)
(Fascination) fascination
(Oh, yeah) oh yeah
(Takes a part of me) takes a part of me
(I can't help it) I can't help it
(I've got to use her) got to use her
(Every time, ooh)
Fascination comes around
(Ooh, oo, ooh)
your soul is calling
Like when I'm walking
Seems that everywhere I turn
I hope you're waiting for me
I know that people think
That I'm a little crazy
[the song Ziggy is currently 'writing']
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"I see and feel more than a human. You can be cloned from him but I will always see the differences between Hiroki and Shiro even when humans can't, even if you can't. "
Ziggy leans into him and kisses his cheek. "I don't want Shiro. I'm not interested in him. Hiroki, though... I'm falling in love with him...with you."
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He's not sure of that, but he's not sure of anything.
"Not that it'd make any difference to you. In fact, you should be with Shiro, not with me, if I really loved you... it'd just. Be slightly safer for you, like that."
Not 'safe', by any means, oh no, just ask anybody who knows him, but, slightly safer.
"Takashi Shirogane wouldn't hurt you. Ever."
"In fact, maybe you should go check the Black Paladin out just to make sure."
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He's suddenly self conscious of the bullet scars on his chest and covers them with his hands, but it is his scarred left hand. He feels so afraid, afraid that he'll be seen as deserving to die. He tries to pull th blankets on the bed to cover himself but it's futile with both of them laying on top of the blankets.
"I... I thought you saw me as something other than a whore." The words are coming out vulerable and opening old wounds.. or at least wounds from the previous year. "I'm stupid enough to ... to think anyone might actually want something more than bragging about fucking me."
Ziggy is slowly curling up, knees to his chest. He's self conscious right now of being naked. He wraps his arms around his knees and hides his face in his knees. He doesn't want to cry. If Hiroki think so little of him why should he cry for him?
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Then, well, even if not thoughts, Ziggy can definitely feel suicidal feelings. Hiroki suddenly feels as if he might, actually, really, kill himself in a few minutes.
Hiroki quietly stands up, shaking.
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"Why... why do you always tell me to go?" Ziggy asks in barely a whisper. "Why won't you let me stay? I want to."
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He doesn't have the words but he was writing something. It's so much easier to sing so he turns to it, to a fragment of something he was writing.
The days fell on their knees
Maybe I'll take something to help me
Hope someone takes after me
This time I know I could get it together
If I did casually mention tonight
That would be crazy tonight
Heart wrecker, heart wrecker, make me delight
Life is so vague when it brings someone new
This time tomorrow I'll know what to do
I know it's happened to you
that's what I meant to say
Or do something, but what I never say is
Stay this time, I really meant to so bad this time
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He's shaking.
He whispers,
"I was trying to forgive myself --- for existing. I don't know if I can. I'm not-- strong enough to forgive myself. Would you forgive me --- for me...?"
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He leans in and kisses him, light and uncertain.
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"Ziggy-"
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That was true. That first meeting when he leaned in to him to teach him to play guitar. It was enough for some reason to keep Hiroki on his mind.
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"Ziggy, I-"
He fumbles, not sure there are words in any language he knows for what he wants to say.
He mutters something in Altean, quietly but distinctly, shyly, though he knows Ziggy won't understand it, anyway.
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"What?" He asks gently. The urge for sex is rising again but not from lust. It's a desire to wrap himself up with Hiroki, to share himself, but that can wait for the moment.
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He shakes his head.
"You'll get what you want, then get bored of me. But, that's alright. You can forget me. I'll never forget you."
"And. You've said you're glad I'm alive, but. I'm not alive. I'm sorry."
As if. That's solely an inconvenience for Ziggy, that Hiroki Shirogane is now apologising for.
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"Please." Ziggy is pleading as he shakes his head. "Don't say that about me. That's all anyone ever says...I've been hurt because people...."
He just sighs and sort of collapses against Hiroki. Why was he fighting so hard for this one person to see him as he was when they pretty obviously said they didn't want to over and over again.
The words though cause him to shift and smile at Hiroki...a devious insolent sort of smile. "Then I will happily love the dead. I keep telling you I will care no matter what or who you are. When are you going to stop arguing with me over it?"
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No matter.. he hears. So... wow. Ziggy is serious. About him. He'd happily concede to be Ziggy's toy, one of many, in freedom to do so, not forced, but this... Ziggy was serious.
At least a little bit.
About this clone.
"O-oh. Thank you. I... will stop."
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He still felt insane saying that outlook but every time he did his whole body responded. It had to be right.
Ziggy wrapped his arms around the other man offering his much slimmer body for comfort. "Just be here with me."
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"I know."
"I have no right to live after what I've done to my team - my family. But - hurting you would be just as bad, so if you want me, I'll stay. That's - actually, that's what I've said, a few ticks ago. That I'm yours."
Yours. Forever.
Love... he already loved Ziggy, by now. Love did not... take much time, for him to... he was realising that, slowly, recently.
He loved Keith the first time he met him, and even the memories couldn't quite be to blame, there.
Ditto Lance, and Matt, and-
What, he loved Keith, when he met him, after the week of starvation? Yes, but surely not that way? Or. Maybe. Yes, that way. H-huh... Huh! But nevermind that, that was in the past.
The point was. He already loved Ziggy, by now. And if Ziggy was beginning to fall in love with him - how could he force himself to regret that, try to stop Ziggy, or something, oh, how?
He was weak. Very, very weak. Since he couldn't even do that much.
Still, he smiles, genuinely, with affection, at his forever Ziggy.
"Mhm, I'd follow you even to hell or-"
Suddenly, he shudders.
Hell? What was hell? He's just remembered worse. His own hell.
"I have to help them," he says, suddenly, though he probably won't say what he means if asked.
Other clones. People just like him.
If he was a person - and Ziggy and Matt Holt insisted he was a person, so, sure - then, so were the other clones of Shiro. Nothing else would make sense.
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As Hiroki continued to try and get better Ziggy saw his strength. He didn't see weakness. He saw humanity.
"Help who?" Ziggy asks with genuine interest though he's found a comfortable spot to nestle against Hiroki's chest. It felt so good to lay against him.
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He has no right to ask, but-
"Others like me. Clones of Shiro. I should go help them right now. I'm so horribly selfish, here...!"
Familiar self-loathing, again.
It seems it'll be reoccuring, if he does nothing.
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"Sshhh" Ziggy stroke his hair. "You need to take care of yourself first. Then we can help them."
He definitely said we and paused after that, confused by his own thoughts.
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Ahhh, this is so unbelievably nice, on a normal day would be, even, and now with the unimaginable before lack of chronic headache (was that the witch????), it feels simply... divine.
And because it's Ziggy doing that, not a friend (well, friend, too, but...), but the love of his new life, one clone here might...
Come soon, again. He's close to--
And then he hears-
"Yes, yes, yes, we will - we will--- yes, we---"
Breathless.... Panting... and oh so close-
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Whatever Ziggy might have said is lost to that spike of arousal and lust. He's easy to flip, so easy to pull into the more positive emotions.
Ziggy slides right into his lap, straddling him, chests pressed together. He can only moan when he sinks into Hiroki's lap. The words come low, seductive and chased by emotional, desperate need. "Fuck me."
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But, he suddenly has a strange thought... hmmm... maybe if...?
"Right after you say Please, Hiroki, fuck me. ...o-ok-kay...? You don't have to add 'sir', I'm off duty..."
Sorry... he just... oh, but... Ziggy surely won't... what is he-- maybe he-- oh, let's just... he can take it back, if.. oh.
For a moment, he doesn't move, just, quivering, waiting to see, if Ziggy -- will-- or maybe. Maybe Ziggy won't, this is a mistake, a mistake... or not?
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"Please, Hiroki, fuck me." Ziggy rolls his body cat-like against Hiroki, face burying in his neck. He adds to it with a purr. "I want your cock."
For the right person he could be incredibly submissive. Hiroki was one of the right people.
1/2
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