Ziggy Stardust (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ziggyplayedguitar) wrote2020-08-01 07:26 pm
ziggyplayedguitar) wrote2020-08-01 07:26 pm
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The Elephant in the Room
Things were unbelievable. Ziggy was high on life, so much so that even his cocaine use diminished. Reduced to something at a recreation, instead of life sustaining. A mere week and his drinking was all but gone, except whiskey in his coffee, always.
They'd come to a routine. Ziggy recording, Hiroki training, sharing meals together. They both could cook and that was unexpected, though Ziggy couldn't place why he found it odd. Importantly, Hiroki indulged Ziggy's craving for unending contact. And the sex! When they touched it didn't stop until they were falling asleep, worn out by the desperate need for each other. It was unrestrained as they abandoned themselves to each other. Someone was getting close to satiating his desire for sex and intimacy. It wasn't all day like Ziggy had imagined he would need, daily, perhaps but the idea that it didn't need to be so all consuming to be satisfying was new to the Anthean.
And he didn't have to hide. Since Hiroki returned, Ziggy hadn't put his contacts back in. He could let the Anthean part of himself be exposed, be safe with it known, and, if he was honest with himself, it seemed that Hiroki treasured him more because of it. There was perhaps something to be said for acceptance he could never find on Earth. That acceptance went both ways. Ziggy accepted the fact that his lover was a dead clone, but the Anthean had never seen him as just a clone anyway.
Those thoughts brought questions that had Ziggy glancing up at his lover from where they lay on the couch together. They needed to talk about the elephant, or rather giant robot, metaphorically in the room with them.
"Hiroki?" He asked quietly, not really wanting to disturb him while he read.
They'd come to a routine. Ziggy recording, Hiroki training, sharing meals together. They both could cook and that was unexpected, though Ziggy couldn't place why he found it odd. Importantly, Hiroki indulged Ziggy's craving for unending contact. And the sex! When they touched it didn't stop until they were falling asleep, worn out by the desperate need for each other. It was unrestrained as they abandoned themselves to each other. Someone was getting close to satiating his desire for sex and intimacy. It wasn't all day like Ziggy had imagined he would need, daily, perhaps but the idea that it didn't need to be so all consuming to be satisfying was new to the Anthean.
And he didn't have to hide. Since Hiroki returned, Ziggy hadn't put his contacts back in. He could let the Anthean part of himself be exposed, be safe with it known, and, if he was honest with himself, it seemed that Hiroki treasured him more because of it. There was perhaps something to be said for acceptance he could never find on Earth. That acceptance went both ways. Ziggy accepted the fact that his lover was a dead clone, but the Anthean had never seen him as just a clone anyway.
Those thoughts brought questions that had Ziggy glancing up at his lover from where they lay on the couch together. They needed to talk about the elephant, or rather giant robot, metaphorically in the room with them.
"Hiroki?" He asked quietly, not really wanting to disturb him while he read.
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Once he does, he sits back in the chair, closes his eyes, and reaches back out to the mindspace. He will reappear but dim, dull. it's not from any sort of energy drain but from a desire to hide. He just wants to hide from dying. Maybe he would have been ok wit the exchange when he first arrived but now, now he isn't. He wants to live and stay alive.
Hiroki?? His senses are still a little scrambled and he's not sure where to go to find his partner.
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The space is almost empty, it's dark as if one went outside one's home during a new moon.
The only lights - them, both of them.
Well, not much light in Ziggy's case, apparently.
I'm here for you, Ziggy. I'll never give up on you. I'll always be here for you. It won't change any futures, but-- I'll never give up on you. So, come to me, whenever. Please. I know it's not--- but it's all I have, all I can offer.
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You're enough. Just like this. You are everything I need.
Ziggy would prefer more but he had to admit he wasn't lacking happiness. Sometimes he was frustrated or disappointed about things they couldn't do or share but deep inside he's happy.
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But, why now... is it something I've said? Forgive me-
Oh. Oh. That kiss. Kissing was the last thing he thought would be on Ziggy's mind, right now. But - it's good.
Hiroki returns the kiss, responds to it, gently, slowly, pouring his loyalty to Ziggy into it. Will always be by Ziggy's side. Always.
I'm far from being everything for... but I'm here. For you. So that you know you're the most important. And wanted. And beautiful. That you're a miracle. That you're one of the Knights of Light, because realities aren't only darkness. If they were, there'd've been no light left, millenias ago. One of-- Or not a knight, if you prefer something else. Whatever. Of Light. And that you're alive. I'll be here. For you. With you. I know it's hard, but... Never forget. I won't give up on you. No matter what happens to us.
He kisses Ziggy again. Loyalty. Friendship. Love. Faith. Desire. Poured into the kiss.
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Ziggy pulled Hiroki into that kiss, desperate for it. He almost wants to make love again, not for sexual satisfaction but the comfort he finds in the closeness.
And I am here for you. Ziggy pulls back from the kiss, the golden light slowly increasing as he gazes on Hiroki. No matter what form you have, I'll love you. Until the end of everything, I'm yours. No matter what happens, who is around, none of it will change that.
He presses a kiss to Hiroki's forehead, gentle and warm like the light. Hiroki might feel it, the first true flickers of a permanent and stable bond between their minds. You're enough for me.
sorry, shiros hope with humour... sorry not sorry
The teasing is full of affection.
Hiroki leans wholly into the kiss and lights up more, shimmering brightly.
And as he feels the hint of the bond, the 'space' brightens up, and slowly, 'Earth' appears as well.
Quite a brightly shining Earth, if one looks. Just like how water can seem to be shining brightly, sparkling in the sun - this Earth is shining like that, even though there's no sun on in this space, doesn't seem to be.
If so, then... Ziggy. I'm yours.
And for him of all people, it's not something he'd ever say lightly. Not something he'd ever say without thinking. He means it.
And just thinking it proves how enormous his trust in Ziggy is, by now.
Trust, knowing... trust that Ziggy won't abuse the bond.
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Ziggy presses thier bodies, thier spirits together, rubbing against his lover cat-like. He knows the trust because he is showing the same kind of trust. The trust that leaves you bare and vulnerable but hopeful.
Anthea has joined Earth in the sky and th darkness fades, replaced by a view of a Japanese bridge while they stand on a path hung in cherry blossoms. They're in one of Ziggy's memories now. This place is full of hope and love. It is from just a week or so after he arrived on Earth and some of the first moments he had alone with his father since he was a boy.
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Oh... is this...
You've kept your promise to take me on a walk. Let's go!
So childishly delighted. And shining like a lightbulb. Well, a tealish lightbulb?
Let's see, let's look around and I'll tell you if I've been here before, Princess!
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There's a sadness to his words but it turns to happiness as he pulls the smell of the blossoms out of the memory. The experience probably more intense than a human would have, same with the colors. The colors are richer and more vibrant because these are memories from an Anthean's senses.
I'm at you command, lover.
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I won't let you die, Ziggy, he thinks, suddenly, just overwhelmed with all the emotions. Maybe he could stop himself from saying it right now, but not from thinking it. So he's thought it, loudly. Oops.
Then, because surely he's said, er, thought enough, he starts looking around to see where exactly they are.
Wait. I don't undertand. Oh-- I know!
Because he's looked through Black's eyes before. And more recently, through Atlas's.
This is the world through your eyes! Ha, I've wanted to see it.
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Ziggy laughs and leans against his shoulder, squeezing his hand. This is only the visible light spectrum. I see more than this but I didn't want to overwhelm you with things that humans can't normally see. I can recall all the memory if you want to see the world like I do.
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Because that sounded weird. Possibly.
"Hey, you can try me with other spectrums, c'mon, it's interesting, hey. If it's too much, I'll tell you."
Maybe. I might be enjoying this too much too reveal if it's too much, even if it'll be too m-- oh.
Quiznak!
Let's just try.
Also, I haven't been here. Not right here, at least.
Anyway, I've seen through Black's eyes - no, quiznak, Shiro saw through Black's eyes... hmm. But I did see through Atlas's! I might just handle it.
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Ziggy nods. We can go slow.
He brings the Ultraviolet into the memory first. The centers of the flowers all dazzle. The pinks overlay with bright blues that are almost like lights, leaves too. The water reflects with the same blue shimmer. That is Ultraviolet light
Then he shifts and adds the infrared. Warm areas, especially where the sunlight warms anything turns to whites and yellows, reds shimmer around the edge of cooler items and purples shimmer on things that are cold like the streams. Infrared
Gamma radiation isn't perceived in something that is visible, but I can show you x-rays.
The color fades as Ziggy shifts his vision. Everything goes to gray shades even the flowers. He can see through the trees and the plants. Rocks and solid metal stay white but everything else is shades. Looking into the trees it is a myrid of dancing white outlined leaves and blossoms against black and dark gray.
Then he shifts back to all the colors. without the x-rays. There is a glittering, like rain or snowflakes caught in the moonlight. Those are the neutrinos and some of the high energy sub-atomic particles I can see.
He leans in kissing Hiroki. It doesn't effect spirits but maybe sometime when you have a body, I can show you what I see when I look at you.
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Hiroki feels like his heart could leap out of his chest with joy at that. Yes. Yes, yes, never, Ziggy doesn't wish to ever leave him, now, and nothing and no one can't tear him and Ziggy apart.
(Except the witch, perhaps. He still fears that, he can't help fearing that, because through him, Honerva had seen Nexus, and what if she visits? Hopefully, she never will.)
"Yeah. Let's go slow-"
Ah.
This is all so... beautiful. Of course he knows about these spectrums, but to see the scenery, just like that - it's like being transported into some kind of a fairytale.
He loves it.
And then - he kisses Ziggy back, passionately now. Running his hands through Ziggy's hair. Especially his right hand, as if trying to make up for the lost time. Mhm...
Yeah, when we're back in Nexus... yeah. Yes, I'd like to see that. Speaking of my body, I'll try not to disappear like that again. I'm sorry if I gave you a scare. I think I must need to learn to... to better maintain myself? Er, it's a process, okay? But you've made me so much stronger, I'm sure I'll have no problem now. And... I said I have a body because you're here and I want it to be with you more, but that's not all. I - I want to live. I still don't know if it's right for me to live or not, but I want to live, and in Nexus, it's like I can. I think I've always wanted to live. Funny, huh, seeing as at the beginning there wasn't anyone who'd want me to, I mean, for me in particular, because any of those nearby would do just as well if awake...nevermind.
Maybe, he adds, half-serious, if I see myself the way you see me, Ziggy, I'll finally learn why'd you fancy me in particular.
And... he adds, despite himself, and solemn now, that unlike in my dreams, maybe I don't look exactly the same as hundred others in pods. Somehow--- maybe that's why I've always felt a bit uneasy looking into a mirror, even when I didn't remember. Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to talk about it, at all. I guess - I try to pretend I'm not a mess, but I still am.
He looks around again. This - everything really looks amazing, and fascinating. Like he's seeing the world for the first time in some ways. Everything's a novelty. It's incredible.
He gently caresses Ziggy's hair while looking around.
"Alright. Let's go see more of this place like that."
This will be one incredible walk, he's sure.
And maybe you could tell me about the time you were there, if that's alright? See, I've realised, I'm still getting to know you. I want to know.
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Ziggy meant it. But the next comment has him shaking his head a little.
You don't look the same as when I first met you... that's what Shiro looks like now. Which probably goes a long way in understanding why Ziggy flipped out when they met. Every body looks a little different, even identical twins and clones look different to my eyesight, probably to all Antheans.
Ziggy gives him a kiss on the cheek. I'm a mess too sometimes. I don't mind that you have things you have to work through or that you need my help to get better from.
Ziggy nods. I didn't walk the whole park but there's a botanical garden here that I did go into.
He takes Hiroki's hand and starts walking very slowly down the path overhanging with blossoms. "Dad brought me here a few days or a week maybe after I came to Earth. He does a lot of consulting work for.. well for just about everything people launch into space, but especially exploratory rovers. He came here, to Japan, to work with a friend on a project and he was worried about leaving me back in the United States. He was worried something would happen to me."
Ziggy leans into his shoulder as they walk. "This was one of the first places on Earth I walked by myself. It was early in the morning, chilly and so quiet. I'd never see this many living things in one place. I'd only ever been on a space ship or Anthea, where there's nothing. It was hypnotizing to me to walk here. I spent so long that Dad came looking for me because he got worried."
This is obviously a happy memory for Ziggy, one that brings him a lot of joy. "When we first started talking about dating... this is where I wanted to bring you. There's a really pretty restaurant at the other end of the park with outdoor seating. I wanted to eat there with you and walk in the park here with you."
There's a tinge of sadness for what was lost. Ziggy can't help but feel a little sad that they can't do this in reality for so many reasons. His promise.. he wants others to see and perhaps that is vanity... he just wanted to make more happy memories in this place like it was a sanctuary.
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But here, right now... even if it's not in the real place, but in a memory of it, it's like right now Hiroki and Ziggy are on a date in a place that Ziggy cherishes, and that's great.
Hiroki can't help smiling as he listens to Ziggy and imagines it all, what that experience must've been like.
After, he thinks, Hey, I think I know where we can fly, after this, of course. And with how much more you see, it's probably going to be even more pleasant for you than for humans. And since we're already flying around in my reality, I might as well fly you there, to show you. It's a planet full of beautiful flora and cute fauna. It's where the Green Lion had been hidden for ten thousand years. There's so much nature there, I'm sure you'll love it. I can fly you to that planet anytime. It's just a really pleasant place. So calm and peaceful. I haven't been there personally, but I remember well, so it is, trust me.
"But first, let's see this botanical garden."
Surely quite peaceful, too.
He realises that he and Ziggy hasn't really had a lot of days yet. Or... well, maybe depending on how one definies 'dates'.
So all this is a great opportunity.
Ziggy can hear him quietly wondering about all this. And Hiroki realises Ziggy can hear him, here, distinctly, too. It's a bit embarassing, perhaps, but-
He's happy. And he wants Ziggy to know that, so, it's fine.
Hiroki giggles happily.
He also wants to show Ziggy everything good in his own Reality. That's - well, that's love, he knows. He really wants to. To share. Though sharing would be a bit difficult right now, huh?
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Ziggy thinks about what Hiroki is saying and at first there's a flush of excitement but it fades, darkens. It leaves the hybrid trying not to cry and trembling. I don't want to.
Ziggy's mood shifts perceptibly as they walk. His heart is pounding and it isn't for a good reason. The whole trauma of Hiroki's death resurfaces all of the sudden and he shakes his head. I don't want to go anywhere in your universe.... I don't want to go anywhere in mine either.
He does hear that Hiroki wants to go to the botanical gardens and turns them that direction. However, his glow has dulled, depressed by the memory that they can never actually go anywhere they know together.. not really. The memory starts to get stormy feeling though the appearance hasn't changed.
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Because here, they can be together.
Maybe someday, Ziggy can go anywhere, but for now, it just might be too early.
But you know... since you're my pilot now, I'll even be able to see a little through your eyes, and the other way around, well, maybe not now, but later on, if you go anywhere. In the future, I'll be able to see a little through your eyes, in reality, if you'd like to...
And maybe that makes it better? He's not yet sure.
Someday.
For now, let's see that botanical garden. Hiroki squeezes Ziggy's hand in reassurance that he's here, with Ziggy, even if not quite alive, but he's here, and won't leave Ziggy behind.
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I don't have to be your pilot for that. Ziggy squeezes Hiroki's hand in return and leans in quietly. If my mind connects to yours, the way my mom and dad's are, then you will be able to see and feel a lot of what I do. We'll be able to talk at a distance too.
Ziggy leads them out into the outside gardens instead of the greenhouse. Like all Antheans, he has a love of large bodies of water and he remembers a pond in the back of the gardens with water lilies and birds. He's starting to even out again, settling into a calm and loving emotion.
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You never need to apologise to me for anything, Ziggy.
Hiroki, desperately wishes he could share all of his life with Ziggy, go with Ziggy everywhere, do everything, but if he can't, he'll just do all he can with his beloved. Give him what he can give him, and try not to blame himself for not being able to be there for Ziggy in every possible way.
If Ziggy listens very, very attentively, he'll hear a quiet thought-
I didn't know what I am, and what the witch, Honerva, was doing, because I didn't want to know. For all the thousand of times I felt strange, I felt wrong, I felt a stranger to myself, sometimes a little bit, slightly too different from 'the myself' of twenty five years of 'my' memories, sometimes I almost felt as if surely my mind had split into two or I don't even know what - I've only told Lance once. When we had limited oxygen. If not for that, I'd probably not even say it back then. Once! If said more, if I did more, if I truly let the others know - things would've been different. I'm sure of it. Meanwhile I said nothing because - because I thought I was crazy. That I was going insane. I'm selfish, and I'm weak! If I reached for help, to closest friends who wanted to help me, things could've been different. I know they could've been. Perhaps - I could've even still be alive. Yes, that's - that's not wrong, is it?
Honerva wins only when one shies away from one's bonds with others. If I was alone, by now, I would've ceased to exist.
He then realises Ziggy might've heard all this and for a split second he wonders if that's alright, but-- if it's Ziggy, it's fine. He doesn't need to hide his shame for his inaction from Ziggy, because, well - didn't he promise to have no secrets from Ziggy? Well, maybe he hasn't, but he wouldn't mind doing so, in the future.
Of course Ziggy can have secrets from Hiroki if he wants to, this is just that he's willing to open up to Ziggy. He is. Slowly. Well, slowly for Hiroki, who hasn't actually lived long. For somebody else, this could be considered very fast. It's been a few months, hasn't it? Since their first meeting. His and Ziggy's. Or just a bit more.
For Hiroki, that's a big chunk of life, he knows now, and feels that acutely. And so many things have happened.
And he wants to open up to Ziggy, even on such things, so even if Ziggy's heard all of his thoughts just now, it's fine - probably.
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Hey. I'll try not to complain anymore, I hope I didn't upset you there. I'm being such a baby, just complaining all the time. I'll stop. Honestly.
And then, he hears about the bond, and thinks back on what he's felt, on what he feels, beginning to form, and suddenly, all his worries gets pushed away, because he's genuinely delighted at the prospect.
(There are still some parts of him, unconscious, primal, that will try to resist, because of what the witch had done, how much damage. But those will quieten with time.)
With most of himself, he's simply, honestly, delighted, glad, overjoyed at the prospect.
That's great!
Because no words are enough, anyway. His light was dimming a bit with all the worries, too, but now Hiroki's quintessence is shining more brightly again. Not blindingly, it's a soft glow, but bright and warm.
He knows that bonding like that surely takes time, but he can't wait, he's so excited. This will surely be wonderful.
He follows Ziggy into the gardens and looks around, commiting everything to memory.
Such a beautiful place. He's happy to see it, even the memory of it. In a moment, he's surely going to tug Ziggy towards anything and everything that he wants to see up close, with sheer exuberant excitement, with no filters, there can be none, here, in spirit. (Unless somebody knows how to shield. Hiroki doesn't, and wouldn't with Ziggy, anyway.)
You have the best date ideas, Princess.
Hiroki playfully kisses Ziggy on the nose. But then, he blushes just a little bit, finding himself looking deeply straight into Ziggy's eyes. Not that he wants to stop or anything.
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Ziggy is opening too, even more slowly. He was trained to hide who he is for safety. Those habits are hard to break even with full trust. It will take time but if he evaluated the situation he'd find that he's shared more with Hiroki than he ever has with anyone else, and that is something.
NO! I want to know what you think and feel. I want to know you, all of it.. the good, the bad, everything. I won't judge you on the past. It's the past. I look instead at who you are now and who you want to be tomorrow... that man is beautiful and strong.
Hiroki may literally have to drag him away. Anthean love for colors, patterns, and life is a strong pull. He loves flowers, brighter the better. The heightened senses making them smell better, feel silkier under the touch. A place like this could hypnotize Ziggy.
Ziggy steals a kiss on the lips as Hiroki pulls away from the sneaky kiss to his nose.
You should let me take you out more. Besides... Ziggy grins. I'd be a bad princess if I did spoil my favorite prince.
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