The Elephant in the Room

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Things were unbelievable. Ziggy was high on life, so much so that even his cocaine use diminished. Reduced to something at a recreation, instead of life sustaining. A mere week and his drinking was all but gone, except whiskey in his coffee, always. 

They'd come to a routine. Ziggy recording, Hiroki training, sharing meals together. They both could cook and that was unexpected, though Ziggy couldn't place why he found it odd. Importantly, Hiroki indulged Ziggy's craving for unending contact. And the sex! When they touched it didn't stop until they were falling asleep, worn out by the desperate need for each other. It was unrestrained as they abandoned themselves to each other. Someone was getting close to satiating his desire for sex and intimacy. It wasn't all day like Ziggy had imagined he would need, daily, perhaps but the idea that it didn't need to be so all consuming to be satisfying was new to the Anthean. 

And he didn't have to hide. Since Hiroki returned, Ziggy hadn't put his contacts back in. He could let the Anthean part of himself be exposed, be safe with it known, and, if he was honest with himself, it seemed that Hiroki treasured him more because of it. There was  perhaps something to be said for acceptance he could never find on Earth. That acceptance went both ways. Ziggy accepted the fact that his lover was a dead clone, but the Anthean had never seen him as just a clone anyway.

Those thoughts brought questions that had Ziggy glancing up at his lover from where they lay on the couch together. They needed to talk about the elephant, or rather giant robot, metaphorically in the room with them. 

"Hiroki?" He asked quietly, not really wanting to disturb him while he read. 

Comments

[somekindofspaceuncle]

It's now like their spirits are one, and it's wonderful. Hiroki will do anything for Ziggy, no, with Ziggy, right now.

And maybe it shouldn't, he thinks, but the begging feels so good, too.

And it's not like anyone can blame Hiroki for this, he's tried to let go of Ziggy, in the past, he's honestly tried...

(The old 'if you love something, let it go' and so, Shiro's clone did let go, because he felt he'd just kill Ziggy if they stayed together. So he let Ziggy go.

But the thing is, just like in the proverb...

He let Ziggy go. And Ziggy came to Hiroki, time and again.

Because Ziggy loved him. Hiroki didn't make Ziggy his. Ziggy's... Ziggy's given Ziggy to Hiroki. Just as Hiroki's given himself to Ziggy. The bond.

Do you believe in karma? Hiroki asks suddenly. Every act of our deepest spirit, even every attempt of such act, is a seed that blossoms into a future that comes to us when we least expect it. It's what some people used to believe, ages ago, on my home planet, on my Earth. I didn't believe in karm, in my life. Shiro's never believed in karma and he still doesn't believe in it, probably never will.

Nowadays, I like to believe a chance to meet you, something so amazing it's like it could never happen to me, might be of my karma, too. Though that'd have to mean I've done something good, at least once in my life. Or maybe it's just that I've tried. I'll believe it--

And then he can't think clearly anymore. There's only Ziggy. So close.

I adore you. Ziggy

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy was in the midst of reveling in the closeness, his energy twining itself with Hiroki's and working on the bridge work for a permanent bond between them. It's a bond made out of love and trust, as it should be.

Though, then Hiroki starts to talk about karma. Worry blossoms in Ziggy as he tries to keep his mind at bay. He can't and he falls into a vision.

There's flashes of war, famine, disease, riots, death, everything burning. The thoughts are impossibly chaotic and jumbled together like looking at moments of a movie out of order. Then suddenly it goes dark and rushes back as a third person view of Ziggy on stage in his favorite short white kimono. There's a loud noise and Ziggy stumbles back, red spreading from the abdomen (A place Hiroki now knows would hit his heart). He's been shot and as he falls people from the crowd grab him, drag him off the stage and start beating him. The pain feels real. It's so loud and excruciating. Then it's gone. More flashes of Tom dying of alcohol poisoning, his mother fading in grief with a young red haired girl crying in her lap. Images are coming faster and faster.

Like a light switch everything stops, Ziggy disappears from the spirit realm and wakes in a full blood curdling scream. He's panting, sweating and fearful. He can't think for a moment as he tries to shake the after effects.

Hiroki?? his mind reaches out like a scared child. He doesn't even know where he is yet. His mind can't process that yet.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Ziggy's sitting in one of the pilot seats at the bridge.

Atlas immediately reaches out to him. To his mind. Wordlessly questioning Ziggy's anxiety.

At least Atlas is a little familiar to Ziggy already.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

It takes Ziggy a moment to even realize that someone is trying to communicate.

I had another round of visions. Ziggy admits to the presence he is starting to recognize as the ship. It was hard to separate the three at first. I have them sometimes about my death. Is Hiroki alright? I can come back in a few minutes. I don't have the focus.

And he didn't. He felt hopelessly scattered.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Atlas doesn't understand names, but if Ziggy pictures whom he means, he'll get an assurance, in ideas and emotions, that Hiroki hasn't left.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Images come with the name as do feeling. He is glas Hiroki is doing well but he focuses on regaining himself.

Once he does, he sits back in the chair, closes his eyes, and reaches back out to the mindspace. He will reappear but dim, dull. it's not from any sort of energy drain but from a desire to hide. He just wants to hide from dying. Maybe he would have been ok wit the exchange when he first arrived but now, now he isn't. He wants to live and stay alive.

Hiroki?? His senses are still a little scrambled and he's not sure where to go to find his partner.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Hiroki appears nearby, runs to Ziggy and pulls him into a tight, warm hug.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

I'm sorry. He clings to Hiroki and his mental age is showing, just how young Ziggy is to his own kind. I can't control when they happen/

[somekindofspaceuncle]

The space is almost empty, it's dark as if one went outside one's home during a new moon.

The only lights - them, both of them.

Well, not much light in Ziggy's case, apparently.

I'm here for you, Ziggy. I'll never give up on you. I'll always be here for you. It won't change any futures, but-- I'll never give up on you. So, come to me, whenever. Please. I know it's not--- but it's all I have, all I can offer.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

A flicker of the brightness returns and Ziggy presses a warm and needy kiss to Hiroki's lips.

You're enough. Just like this. You are everything I need.

Ziggy would prefer more but he had to admit he wasn't lacking happiness. Sometimes he was frustrated or disappointed about things they couldn't do or share but deep inside he's happy.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

But, why now... is it something I've said? Forgive me-

Oh. Oh. That kiss. Kissing was the last thing he thought would be on Ziggy's mind, right now. But - it's good.

Hiroki returns the kiss, responds to it, gently, slowly, pouring his loyalty to Ziggy into it. Will always be by Ziggy's side. Always.

I'm far from being everything for... but I'm here. For you. So that you know you're the most important. And wanted. And beautiful. That you're a miracle. That you're one of the Knights of Light, because realities aren't only darkness. If they were, there'd've been no light left, millenias ago. One of-- Or not a knight, if you prefer something else. Whatever. Of Light. And that you're alive. I'll be here. For you. With you. I know it's hard, but... Never forget. I won't give up on you. No matter what happens to us.

He kisses Ziggy again. Loyalty. Friendship. Love. Faith. Desire. Poured into the kiss.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

I don't know why they happen.

Ziggy pulled Hiroki into that kiss, desperate for it. He almost wants to make love again, not for sexual satisfaction but the comfort he finds in the closeness.

And I am here for you. Ziggy pulls back from the kiss, the golden light slowly increasing as he gazes on Hiroki. No matter what form you have, I'll love you. Until the end of everything, I'm yours. No matter what happens, who is around, none of it will change that.

He presses a kiss to Hiroki's forehead, gentle and warm like the light. Hiroki might feel it, the first true flickers of a permanent and stable bond between their minds. You're enough for me.

sorry, shiros hope with humour... sorry not sorry

[somekindofspaceuncle]

No matter the form? Oh, you didn't just call Atlas ugly, have you? How rude!

The teasing is full of affection.

Hiroki leans wholly into the kiss and lights up more, shimmering brightly.

And as he feels the hint of the bond, the 'space' brightens up, and slowly, 'Earth' appears as well.

Quite a brightly shining Earth, if one looks. Just like how water can seem to be shining brightly, sparkling in the sun - this Earth is shining like that, even though there's no sun on in this space, doesn't seem to be.

If so, then... Ziggy. I'm yours.

And for him of all people, it's not something he'd ever say lightly. Not something he'd ever say without thinking. He means it.

And just thinking it proves how enormous his trust in Ziggy is, by now.

Trust, knowing... trust that Ziggy won't abuse the bond.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Next to you..mmmmm....everything struggles to look attractive. He teases back.

Ziggy presses thier bodies, thier spirits together, rubbing against his lover cat-like. He knows the trust because he is showing the same kind of trust. The trust that leaves you bare and vulnerable but hopeful.

Anthea has joined Earth in the sky and th darkness fades, replaced by a view of a Japanese bridge while they stand on a path hung in cherry blossoms. They're in one of Ziggy's memories now. This place is full of hope and love. It is from just a week or so after he arrived on Earth and some of the first moments he had alone with his father since he was a boy.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Shiro's clone presses closely, too, that is, until-

Oh... is this...

You've kept your promise to take me on a walk. Let's go!

So childishly delighted. And shining like a lightbulb. Well, a tealish lightbulb?

Let's see, let's look around and I'll tell you if I've been here before, Princess!

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy takes his hand and smiles, the light if his own brightened. I promised to take you here before today. I wish I could for real but memories are the best I can do now.

There's a sadness to his words but it turns to happiness as he pulls the smell of the blossoms out of the memory. The experience probably more intense than a human would have, same with the colors. The colors are richer and more vibrant because these are memories from an Anthean's senses.

I'm at you command, lover.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

I won't let you die, Ziggy, he thinks, suddenly, just overwhelmed with all the emotions. Maybe he could stop himself from saying it right now, but not from thinking it. So he's thought it, loudly. Oops.

Then, because surely he's said, er, thought enough, he starts looking around to see where exactly they are.

Wait. I don't undertand. Oh-- I know!

Because he's looked through Black's eyes before. And more recently, through Atlas's.

This is the world through your eyes! Ha, I've wanted to see it.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

And I won't let you die... well if I can intervene. I know you're dead, technically, but I can keep your spirit well. It was complicated and he hopes Hiroki understands what he means.

Ziggy laughs and leans against his shoulder, squeezing his hand. This is only the visible light spectrum. I see more than this but I didn't want to overwhelm you with things that humans can't normally see. I can recall all the memory if you want to see the world like I do.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Thank you. My spirit's in your hands. Well, if you're not tired of it. If you are, White can always help a little. 's like how I was still here. Shiro and White... er. Takashi and the White Lion.

Because that sounded weird. Possibly.

"Hey, you can try me with other spectrums, c'mon, it's interesting, hey. If it's too much, I'll tell you."

Maybe. I might be enjoying this too much too reveal if it's too much, even if it'll be too m-- oh.

Quiznak!

Let's just try.

Also, I haven't been here. Not right here, at least.

Anyway, I've seen through Black's eyes - no, quiznak, Shiro saw through Black's eyes... hmm. But I did see through Atlas's! I might just handle it.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"NEVER!" Ziggy gives him an incredulous look.

Ziggy nods. We can go slow.

He brings the Ultraviolet into the memory first. The centers of the flowers all dazzle. The pinks overlay with bright blues that are almost like lights, leaves too. The water reflects with the same blue shimmer. That is Ultraviolet light

Then he shifts and adds the infrared. Warm areas, especially where the sunlight warms anything turns to whites and yellows, reds shimmer around the edge of cooler items and purples shimmer on things that are cold like the streams. Infrared

Gamma radiation isn't perceived in something that is visible, but I can show you x-rays.

The color fades as Ziggy shifts his vision. Everything goes to gray shades even the flowers. He can see through the trees and the plants. Rocks and solid metal stay white but everything else is shades. Looking into the trees it is a myrid of dancing white outlined leaves and blossoms against black and dark gray.

Then he shifts back to all the colors. without the x-rays. There is a glittering, like rain or snowflakes caught in the moonlight. Those are the neutrinos and some of the high energy sub-atomic particles I can see.

He leans in kissing Hiroki. It doesn't effect spirits but maybe sometime when you have a body, I can show you what I see when I look at you.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Hiroki feels like his heart could leap out of his chest with joy at that. Yes. Yes, yes, never, Ziggy doesn't wish to ever leave him, now, and nothing and no one can't tear him and Ziggy apart.

(Except the witch, perhaps. He still fears that, he can't help fearing that, because through him, Honerva had seen Nexus, and what if she visits? Hopefully, she never will.)

"Yeah. Let's go slow-"

Ah.

This is all so... beautiful. Of course he knows about these spectrums, but to see the scenery, just like that - it's like being transported into some kind of a fairytale.

He loves it.

And then - he kisses Ziggy back, passionately now. Running his hands through Ziggy's hair. Especially his right hand, as if trying to make up for the lost time. Mhm...

Yeah, when we're back in Nexus... yeah. Yes, I'd like to see that. Speaking of my body, I'll try not to disappear like that again. I'm sorry if I gave you a scare. I think I must need to learn to... to better maintain myself? Er, it's a process, okay? But you've made me so much stronger, I'm sure I'll have no problem now. And... I said I have a body because you're here and I want it to be with you more, but that's not all. I - I want to live. I still don't know if it's right for me to live or not, but I want to live, and in Nexus, it's like I can. I think I've always wanted to live. Funny, huh, seeing as at the beginning there wasn't anyone who'd want me to, I mean, for me in particular, because any of those nearby would do just as well if awake...nevermind.

Maybe, he adds, half-serious, if I see myself the way you see me, Ziggy, I'll finally learn why'd you fancy me in particular.

And... he adds, despite himself, and solemn now, that unlike in my dreams, maybe I don't look exactly the same as hundred others in pods. Somehow--- maybe that's why I've always felt a bit uneasy looking into a mirror, even when I didn't remember. Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to talk about it, at all. I guess - I try to pretend I'm not a mess, but I still am.

He looks around again. This - everything really looks amazing, and fascinating. Like he's seeing the world for the first time in some ways. Everything's a novelty. It's incredible.

He gently caresses Ziggy's hair while looking around.

"Alright. Let's go see more of this place like that."

This will be one incredible walk, he's sure.

And maybe you could tell me about the time you were there, if that's alright? See, I've realised, I'm still getting to know you. I want to know.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

I.... I just didn't know what happened. I thought you died again... that I lost you, maybe for good. Ziggy leans into Hiroki for comfort. Just thinking about it makes his presence flicker. But none of the other clones would be you. I'm glad you turned out to be the one stubborn enough to be here.

Ziggy meant it. But the next comment has him shaking his head a little.

You don't look the same as when I first met you... that's what Shiro looks like now. Which probably goes a long way in understanding why Ziggy flipped out when they met. Every body looks a little different, even identical twins and clones look different to my eyesight, probably to all Antheans.

Ziggy gives him a kiss on the cheek. I'm a mess too sometimes. I don't mind that you have things you have to work through or that you need my help to get better from.

Ziggy nods. I didn't walk the whole park but there's a botanical garden here that I did go into.


He takes Hiroki's hand and starts walking very slowly down the path overhanging with blossoms. "Dad brought me here a few days or a week maybe after I came to Earth. He does a lot of consulting work for.. well for just about everything people launch into space, but especially exploratory rovers. He came here, to Japan, to work with a friend on a project and he was worried about leaving me back in the United States. He was worried something would happen to me."

Ziggy leans into his shoulder as they walk. "This was one of the first places on Earth I walked by myself. It was early in the morning, chilly and so quiet. I'd never see this many living things in one place. I'd only ever been on a space ship or Anthea, where there's nothing. It was hypnotizing to me to walk here. I spent so long that Dad came looking for me because he got worried."

This is obviously a happy memory for Ziggy, one that brings him a lot of joy. "When we first started talking about dating... this is where I wanted to bring you. There's a really pretty restaurant at the other end of the park with outdoor seating. I wanted to eat there with you and walk in the park here with you."

There's a tinge of sadness for what was lost. Ziggy can't help but feel a little sad that they can't do this in reality for so many reasons. His promise.. he wants others to see and perhaps that is vanity... he just wanted to make more happy memories in this place like it was a sanctuary.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

I hope I won't scare you like that again. If I'm ever again almost exhausted, I'll tell you, okay?

But here, right now... even if it's not in the real place, but in a memory of it, it's like right now Hiroki and Ziggy are on a date in a place that Ziggy cherishes, and that's great.

Hiroki can't help smiling as he listens to Ziggy and imagines it all, what that experience must've been like.

After, he thinks, Hey, I think I know where we can fly, after this, of course. And with how much more you see, it's probably going to be even more pleasant for you than for humans. And since we're already flying around in my reality, I might as well fly you there, to show you. It's a planet full of beautiful flora and cute fauna. It's where the Green Lion had been hidden for ten thousand years. There's so much nature there, I'm sure you'll love it. I can fly you to that planet anytime. It's just a really pleasant place. So calm and peaceful. I haven't been there personally, but I remember well, so it is, trust me.

"But first, let's see this botanical garden."

Surely quite peaceful, too.

He realises that he and Ziggy hasn't really had a lot of days yet. Or... well, maybe depending on how one definies 'dates'.

So all this is a great opportunity.

Ziggy can hear him quietly wondering about all this. And Hiroki realises Ziggy can hear him, here, distinctly, too. It's a bit embarassing, perhaps, but-

He's happy. And he wants Ziggy to know that, so, it's fine.

Hiroki giggles happily.

He also wants to show Ziggy everything good in his own Reality. That's - well, that's love, he knows. He really wants to. To share. Though sharing would be a bit difficult right now, huh?

[ziggyplayedguitar]

I know where to look now, too. Ziggy would probably still panic but at least now he knew where he might be when the panic subsided.

Ziggy thinks about what Hiroki is saying and at first there's a flush of excitement but it fades, darkens. It leaves the hybrid trying not to cry and trembling. I don't want to.

Ziggy's mood shifts perceptibly as they walk. His heart is pounding and it isn't for a good reason. The whole trauma of Hiroki's death resurfaces all of the sudden and he shakes his head. I don't want to go anywhere in your universe.... I don't want to go anywhere in mine either.

He does hear that Hiroki wants to go to the botanical gardens and turns them that direction. However, his glow has dulled, depressed by the memory that they can never actually go anywhere they know together.. not really. The memory starts to get stormy feeling though the appearance hasn't changed.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Okay... it's okay. I can show you memories here, later. Okay?

Because here, they can be together.

Maybe someday, Ziggy can go anywhere, but for now, it just might be too early.

But you know... since you're my pilot now, I'll even be able to see a little through your eyes, and the other way around, well, maybe not now, but later on, if you go anywhere. In the future, I'll be able to see a little through your eyes, in reality, if you'd like to...

And maybe that makes it better? He's not yet sure.

Someday.

For now, let's see that botanical garden. Hiroki squeezes Ziggy's hand in reassurance that he's here, with Ziggy, even if not quite alive, but he's here, and won't leave Ziggy behind.