The Elephant in the Room

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Things were unbelievable. Ziggy was high on life, so much so that even his cocaine use diminished. Reduced to something at a recreation, instead of life sustaining. A mere week and his drinking was all but gone, except whiskey in his coffee, always. 

They'd come to a routine. Ziggy recording, Hiroki training, sharing meals together. They both could cook and that was unexpected, though Ziggy couldn't place why he found it odd. Importantly, Hiroki indulged Ziggy's craving for unending contact. And the sex! When they touched it didn't stop until they were falling asleep, worn out by the desperate need for each other. It was unrestrained as they abandoned themselves to each other. Someone was getting close to satiating his desire for sex and intimacy. It wasn't all day like Ziggy had imagined he would need, daily, perhaps but the idea that it didn't need to be so all consuming to be satisfying was new to the Anthean. 

And he didn't have to hide. Since Hiroki returned, Ziggy hadn't put his contacts back in. He could let the Anthean part of himself be exposed, be safe with it known, and, if he was honest with himself, it seemed that Hiroki treasured him more because of it. There was  perhaps something to be said for acceptance he could never find on Earth. That acceptance went both ways. Ziggy accepted the fact that his lover was a dead clone, but the Anthean had never seen him as just a clone anyway.

Those thoughts brought questions that had Ziggy glancing up at his lover from where they lay on the couch together. They needed to talk about the elephant, or rather giant robot, metaphorically in the room with them. 

"Hiroki?" He asked quietly, not really wanting to disturb him while he read. 

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[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy crushes thier spirits together, his own filtering into Hiroki's bonding them. He wasn't going to walk away from this the same as he walked in. They were bonding, or Ziggy was bonding to Hiroki. There were no words for it, more intimate than sex.

And the Anthean just abandons himself to his lover. It's something beyond the physical control that Hiroki had so recently, no this is control of his spirit. A giving over of everything.

The contacts are itchy. His voice comes but it isn't attached to anything. It merely is there, quiet and compassionate and absolutely, adoringly in love with this spirit.

You've always been alive and unique to me. It was the truth because Ziggy saw so much more than others.

Then, suddenly all he can do is beg for intimacy, closeness, sex. It feels like if he doesn't have it he might just die.

I know. I feel it even when you don't know. I can always feel it... across the Nexus...maybe into your own world. I feel you always. Ziggy can't think any more in words. Everything comes now in desires and abstract images. Some are mundane. Lazy days together and dinner out. Others are more intimate and with bow bear his spirit is, things he might never say are there in faint flickers. The desire to have a family with Hiroki and the pain of realizing it is impossible for so many reasons. The way Ziggy yearns for Hiroki to be immortal, to spend forever with him. It's all there if Hiroki listens.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

To Hiroki, it's like their two souls are one now, a closeness he's only ever had with the Black Lion, and with Atlas, but different, too, because with them it's platonic, and with Ziggy romantic, so it feels slightly different, too.

Outside, Atlas is shining brightly.

Inside, Hiroki's now busy listening to Ziggy.

What??

But Ziggy, you've given me family, don't you know? You, love, and Mother, and Father, and now...

Aletayria, Tom... and now, he thinks of Aletayria's... not yet born? little baby.

You've given me, no, share with me, a loving family, more than I could've asked for, so, what are you talking about? You've given me so much, I could give you myself and I'd still be in your debt, forever.

Hmm, I wouldn't mind being in your debt forever.

The clone kisses Ziggy's forehead again. It feels so good. But then, he listens to Ziggy's desires. What does Ziggy want him to do right now to him? Becuase Hiroki will do it. Will do it all. Here, he can.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

A nervous embarrassment blossoms in Ziggy's presence at the question. It may be the first, perhaps the only time ever, that Hiroki feels shyness rolling off of Ziggy's presence. It is brief though and soon Ziggy is giving him a kiss, giggling. I... sometimes... well I think about us having a family... you.. I think you'd be a good father.

Ziggy feels so nervous that his whole presence flutters, the light winkng almost. He presses in, kissing gently. You don't owe me anything.

Ziggy didn't keep tally like this. He gave and Hiroki gave and that made their bond strong and made their relationship worthwhile. Neither f them owed the other.

Ziggy doesn't have any defined wants, closeness maybe and there's an overabundance of lust. The surge of energy and the way their spirits are touching has left the Anthean half mad with arousal. Surely, in the real world there's just a string of lusty moans coming from his sleeping body.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

I don't owe you? Oh, Ziggy. I don't think I'd decide to have a flesh body again, for example, if it wasn't for you. Because what'd I need a body for?

But..

He smirks a little, half serious, half-playful, I think I'll continue to have a physical body for now, in Nexus, just for you. As long as you take good care of it.

Heh.

And well, it's sort of physical, what he has in Nexus, as it's purely made of Quintessence, nothing else, but it is flesh, in most of ways, just like if somebody brought together all the proper atoms to make water, in some not very usual way, it'd still be water, so... yeah.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, as long as you'd like me to have a body, I'll have it. I can even change it a little for you? But not too much, even if I can, because... because I'm myself, and I will look like myself.

He winks.

And goes back to the utter closeness and wholeness with Ziggy.

Hmmm... you can top now, if you ask me very nicely...

Father? You think I'd make a good father?

Hiroki blushes and his quintessence light pulsates.

I... I hope I would... uhm... I wouldn't mind having a child with you, Ziggy, but I don't know if I'm alive enough... I can't ask White Lion, Atlas, and Shiro, to just... make sure I could. This is... embarassing.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

You don't want a body for yourself? Ziggy questions playfully. Wouldn't you miss pressing it against me? He's teasing, playful from being so high on the emotions between them.

However, he does get serious about the idea of changing. Hiroki. I fell in love with you. You don't need to change anything for me to love you.... but if you want to change, then I'm here for you. Ziggy utterly accepted the man he had.. paranoia, fears, uncertainty and all. He was even prepared to live his life with someone missing an arm. It didn't matter that much to him.

Top? Ziggy looks dazed. He doesn't have the mind for it right now. Maybe later.... I like when you take control.

He adored the dominant, masculine stance Hiroki took often enough. It wasn't that it was masculine so much as it made Ziggy feel feminine and he yearned for that sometimes.

I do. Ziggy sighs and buries himself in Hiroki, whispering. I don't know if I can have children either. I might be sterile. I don't know. My genetics are a mess... but I would try with you sometime.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

But what if I... what if I could conceive only with my old body? What if I can't like this, now, because I... I'm not sure there's...

It is a body, in almost every way, in Nexus, true, but if there's any genetic material about it, really, Hiroki doesn't know.

So if... I don't know if it's real enough... nevermind...

Real body, though he wouldn't exactly call it normal, the real body is what Shiro has now, and that's fine, by now. Real, though normal wouldn't be the right word, exactly. If it was utterly normal, it'd look like a toddler today, and Shiro doesn't look like a toddler at all.

Nevermind. I'm talking nonsense. Just... keep loving me, Ziggy, this is enough... I would... like children, maybe, but... don't worry, love. Your genetics might be a mess, but I might not have any genetics, in Nexus as I am, even, who the quiznak knows. Nevermind. I love you, genetics or not.

He presses closely.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

I do love you. I just... I want everything with you.. a family.. everything anyone else can have. The fact that he's dead somehow has made that more acute, more desperate.

I will love you just as much if we can't. I.. I just want you to have the life she tried to take from you. Ziggy starts crying. It's frustration, and anger, and love... so much of it is love. He wanted these things for Hiroki because he loved him so much.

He meets the press of closeness, wrapping his arms and legs around Hiroki. Make love to me, please.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

You know, Ziggy, if it wasn't for you, I'd probably still hate myself a little. And I would just think... that hopefully I can redeem myself, at least a little, by helping my family...

Voltron's team is his first family, will always be, and he knows Ziggy knows that.

by helping as part of Atlas. That if I do that enough, other Paladins will know I still loved them, even if I can't say anything. So, I thought, I thought that's it, and I've accepted that.

That's why... it's amazing I can now have more family. It's amazing that I can talk to someone I love, with words. It's amazing that... I have so much more than I've ever deserved.

But. Ziggy's now asked Hiroki to make love to him, so enough thinking, now, Hiroki will now do just that. Wait, Hiroki wanted to be taken as female, but, how did that work, again...

He takes Ziggy's hand, looks at the palm and, flustered, tries to remember what to do, exactly. Sometimes, sex with Ziggy is so overwhelming, Hiroki Shirogane can barely remember any details afterwards.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Shhhh... Ziggy presses fingers to his lips. You deserve just as much as anyone else. You're amazing and not at fault for what someone else made you do.

Ziggy slips the hand free to gently rest on Hiroki's cheek. You can ask. I don't mind helping. It's new to both of is.

And Ziggy does just that. Tugs a little on his thighs to get him to move up a little and straddle Ziggy, easy enough since he is so thin. Having the female parts in his lower abdomen at the bikini line instead of between the thighs does mean Hiroki is going to have to get used to a slightly different motion.

Ziggy starts stroking Hiroki, and arches up just enough to show him where he needs to penetrate. Better?

Ziggy kisses him and smiles. We're still learning how to love each other, what we like. You don't need to feel embarrassed. I like to experiment with sex, so try whatever you want.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

I'm glad I've met you.

Heartfelt, and he hopes dearly that Ziggy can say the same, despite everything.

He lets Ziggy direct him to the proper place, and then goes to put his cock there.

Not trying to be too careful, as these aren't their physical, though it sometimes feel that way... but also different... and less limits.

He knows he can feel all this in thy physical realm, too, he can feel it, (if anybody will see IGF-Atlas during their travels, they'll see it shining, and somehow, Hiroki feels slightly embarassed about that, but it's fine. And it's hard to be embarassed here, in the spirit, with Ziggy at his sight, and taking in beautiful sight of Ziggy, so open to him, and of the scenery of... he knows this place, what is this place...) and he's sure Ziggy can feel the passion of this all, all they're doing, outside, too, it's impossible not to. Surely Allura would leave Ziggy alone, knowing he and Hiroki are being intimate in this dimension, so it's fine.

I'll try. I'll try everything. And, hey, I know I don't have to change myself for you, but if there's anything you'd fantasize about, tell me, I can just change for a moment and then go back.

For example, he jokes, not really thinking Ziggy would be into that, necessarily, if you wanted me to have a bigger penis

He giggles lightly, though also gets flustered. It's only a joke, while it actually is possible to do, and only a stranger would think that Hiroki's being vain or whatever.

And Hiroki just means, well, anything that Ziggy might want to try, temporarily, not fundamental in any way.

But all that thought is interrupted as he gets into Ziggy's-- what is it even called... he forgot... well, gets there, and...

Well, it's best to stop talking, probably. He moans, and grabs Ziggy tighter.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

My life is better with you.

That was pure honesty. Everything felt better with Hiroki around and it had stabilized some of Ziggy's wilder swings of emotions too.

He was trying to be pretty precise in what he was showing Hiroki to do with his body. Even if it wasn't his real body and probably couldn't be hurt, this experience would probably inform things in the real world when they indulged physically.

The comment does get an incredulous giggle. You're perfect, always have been....mmmm Your cock included. Ziggy pauses panting and moaning. Unless you want to grow your nails.. I like this feeling. He gently digs his nails into Hiroki's shoulders. He does have longer, manicured fingernails. He would even do Hiroki's nails to make them nice, in fact, that ends up getting projected as a fantasy... to manicure his nails and feeling them on his skin and in his hair.

Ziggy wraps his legs tighter around Hiroki's hips, silences by his lover's movements. Then he starts begging. He's already so close and surely in the real world he is getting loud and squirming around in the bed. All he can do is crush his lips to Hiroki's and project all the intimate passion he's feeling.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

It's now like their spirits are one, and it's wonderful. Hiroki will do anything for Ziggy, no, with Ziggy, right now.

And maybe it shouldn't, he thinks, but the begging feels so good, too.

And it's not like anyone can blame Hiroki for this, he's tried to let go of Ziggy, in the past, he's honestly tried...

(The old 'if you love something, let it go' and so, Shiro's clone did let go, because he felt he'd just kill Ziggy if they stayed together. So he let Ziggy go.

But the thing is, just like in the proverb...

He let Ziggy go. And Ziggy came to Hiroki, time and again.

Because Ziggy loved him. Hiroki didn't make Ziggy his. Ziggy's... Ziggy's given Ziggy to Hiroki. Just as Hiroki's given himself to Ziggy. The bond.

Do you believe in karma? Hiroki asks suddenly. Every act of our deepest spirit, even every attempt of such act, is a seed that blossoms into a future that comes to us when we least expect it. It's what some people used to believe, ages ago, on my home planet, on my Earth. I didn't believe in karm, in my life. Shiro's never believed in karma and he still doesn't believe in it, probably never will.

Nowadays, I like to believe a chance to meet you, something so amazing it's like it could never happen to me, might be of my karma, too. Though that'd have to mean I've done something good, at least once in my life. Or maybe it's just that I've tried. I'll believe it--

And then he can't think clearly anymore. There's only Ziggy. So close.

I adore you. Ziggy

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy was in the midst of reveling in the closeness, his energy twining itself with Hiroki's and working on the bridge work for a permanent bond between them. It's a bond made out of love and trust, as it should be.

Though, then Hiroki starts to talk about karma. Worry blossoms in Ziggy as he tries to keep his mind at bay. He can't and he falls into a vision.

There's flashes of war, famine, disease, riots, death, everything burning. The thoughts are impossibly chaotic and jumbled together like looking at moments of a movie out of order. Then suddenly it goes dark and rushes back as a third person view of Ziggy on stage in his favorite short white kimono. There's a loud noise and Ziggy stumbles back, red spreading from the abdomen (A place Hiroki now knows would hit his heart). He's been shot and as he falls people from the crowd grab him, drag him off the stage and start beating him. The pain feels real. It's so loud and excruciating. Then it's gone. More flashes of Tom dying of alcohol poisoning, his mother fading in grief with a young red haired girl crying in her lap. Images are coming faster and faster.

Like a light switch everything stops, Ziggy disappears from the spirit realm and wakes in a full blood curdling scream. He's panting, sweating and fearful. He can't think for a moment as he tries to shake the after effects.

Hiroki?? his mind reaches out like a scared child. He doesn't even know where he is yet. His mind can't process that yet.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Ziggy's sitting in one of the pilot seats at the bridge.

Atlas immediately reaches out to him. To his mind. Wordlessly questioning Ziggy's anxiety.

At least Atlas is a little familiar to Ziggy already.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

It takes Ziggy a moment to even realize that someone is trying to communicate.

I had another round of visions. Ziggy admits to the presence he is starting to recognize as the ship. It was hard to separate the three at first. I have them sometimes about my death. Is Hiroki alright? I can come back in a few minutes. I don't have the focus.

And he didn't. He felt hopelessly scattered.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Atlas doesn't understand names, but if Ziggy pictures whom he means, he'll get an assurance, in ideas and emotions, that Hiroki hasn't left.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Images come with the name as do feeling. He is glas Hiroki is doing well but he focuses on regaining himself.

Once he does, he sits back in the chair, closes his eyes, and reaches back out to the mindspace. He will reappear but dim, dull. it's not from any sort of energy drain but from a desire to hide. He just wants to hide from dying. Maybe he would have been ok wit the exchange when he first arrived but now, now he isn't. He wants to live and stay alive.

Hiroki?? His senses are still a little scrambled and he's not sure where to go to find his partner.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Hiroki appears nearby, runs to Ziggy and pulls him into a tight, warm hug.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

I'm sorry. He clings to Hiroki and his mental age is showing, just how young Ziggy is to his own kind. I can't control when they happen/

[somekindofspaceuncle]

The space is almost empty, it's dark as if one went outside one's home during a new moon.

The only lights - them, both of them.

Well, not much light in Ziggy's case, apparently.

I'm here for you, Ziggy. I'll never give up on you. I'll always be here for you. It won't change any futures, but-- I'll never give up on you. So, come to me, whenever. Please. I know it's not--- but it's all I have, all I can offer.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

A flicker of the brightness returns and Ziggy presses a warm and needy kiss to Hiroki's lips.

You're enough. Just like this. You are everything I need.

Ziggy would prefer more but he had to admit he wasn't lacking happiness. Sometimes he was frustrated or disappointed about things they couldn't do or share but deep inside he's happy.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

But, why now... is it something I've said? Forgive me-

Oh. Oh. That kiss. Kissing was the last thing he thought would be on Ziggy's mind, right now. But - it's good.

Hiroki returns the kiss, responds to it, gently, slowly, pouring his loyalty to Ziggy into it. Will always be by Ziggy's side. Always.

I'm far from being everything for... but I'm here. For you. So that you know you're the most important. And wanted. And beautiful. That you're a miracle. That you're one of the Knights of Light, because realities aren't only darkness. If they were, there'd've been no light left, millenias ago. One of-- Or not a knight, if you prefer something else. Whatever. Of Light. And that you're alive. I'll be here. For you. With you. I know it's hard, but... Never forget. I won't give up on you. No matter what happens to us.

He kisses Ziggy again. Loyalty. Friendship. Love. Faith. Desire. Poured into the kiss.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

I don't know why they happen.

Ziggy pulled Hiroki into that kiss, desperate for it. He almost wants to make love again, not for sexual satisfaction but the comfort he finds in the closeness.

And I am here for you. Ziggy pulls back from the kiss, the golden light slowly increasing as he gazes on Hiroki. No matter what form you have, I'll love you. Until the end of everything, I'm yours. No matter what happens, who is around, none of it will change that.

He presses a kiss to Hiroki's forehead, gentle and warm like the light. Hiroki might feel it, the first true flickers of a permanent and stable bond between their minds. You're enough for me.

sorry, shiros hope with humour... sorry not sorry

[somekindofspaceuncle]

No matter the form? Oh, you didn't just call Atlas ugly, have you? How rude!

The teasing is full of affection.

Hiroki leans wholly into the kiss and lights up more, shimmering brightly.

And as he feels the hint of the bond, the 'space' brightens up, and slowly, 'Earth' appears as well.

Quite a brightly shining Earth, if one looks. Just like how water can seem to be shining brightly, sparkling in the sun - this Earth is shining like that, even though there's no sun on in this space, doesn't seem to be.

If so, then... Ziggy. I'm yours.

And for him of all people, it's not something he'd ever say lightly. Not something he'd ever say without thinking. He means it.

And just thinking it proves how enormous his trust in Ziggy is, by now.

Trust, knowing... trust that Ziggy won't abuse the bond.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Next to you..mmmmm....everything struggles to look attractive. He teases back.

Ziggy presses thier bodies, thier spirits together, rubbing against his lover cat-like. He knows the trust because he is showing the same kind of trust. The trust that leaves you bare and vulnerable but hopeful.

Anthea has joined Earth in the sky and th darkness fades, replaced by a view of a Japanese bridge while they stand on a path hung in cherry blossoms. They're in one of Ziggy's memories now. This place is full of hope and love. It is from just a week or so after he arrived on Earth and some of the first moments he had alone with his father since he was a boy.