ziggyplayedguitar | The Elephant in the Room

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The Elephant in the Room

Things were unbelievable. Ziggy was high on life, so much so that even his cocaine use diminished. Reduced to something at a recreation, instead of life sustaining. A mere week and his drinking was all but gone, except whiskey in his coffee, always.

They'd come to a routine. Ziggy recording, Hiroki training, sharing meals together. They both could cook and that was unexpected, though Ziggy couldn't place why he found it odd. Importantly, Hiroki indulged Ziggy's craving for unending contact. And the sex! When they touched it didn't stop until they were falling asleep, worn out by the desperate need for each other. It was unrestrained as they abandoned themselves to each other. Someone was getting close to satiating his desire for sex and intimacy. It wasn't all day like Ziggy had imagined he would need, daily, perhaps but the idea that it didn't need to be so all consuming to be satisfying was new to the Anthean.

And he didn't have to hide. Since Hiroki returned, Ziggy hadn't put his contacts back in. He could let the Anthean part of himself be exposed, be safe with it known, and, if he was honest with himself, it seemed that Hiroki treasured him more because of it. There was perhaps something to be said for acceptance he could never find on Earth. That acceptance went both ways. Ziggy accepted the fact that his lover was a dead clone, but the Anthean had never seen him as just a clone anyway.

Those thoughts brought questions that had Ziggy glancing up at his lover from where they lay on the couch together. They needed to talk about the elephant, or rather giant robot, metaphorically in the room with them.

"Hiroki?" He asked quietly, not really wanting to disturb him while he read.

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"No, it's not. It's never ok to hurt people, especially the one's you love, but sometimes it happens accidently because something is misunderstood." Ziggy was adamant about the not hurting people... though he thinks about the witch who hurt Hiroki and decides she doesn't count.

"I do believe you love me and that I make you happy. I just.. well... Just because I can read it in you .. that doesn't mean I don't want to hear you say it too sometimes. It makes me happy to hear you say it even if I already know it's true."

That wave of aggression and hate makes Ziggy groan like he's sick and lean against Hiroki. When it gets most intense little trembles pass though his body. He can feel the nausea rising in his stomach. "It's ok...just.. i don't feel good."

He doesn't under the blinding rage he's feeling.

"You believe me? I'm glad."

He smiles, so relieved, just so relieved, but then, his smile falters when Ziggy seems unwell.

Hiroki panics. Was that his doing? Ziggy, Ziggy couldn't stand bad, negative feelings like these, could he? And he was doing something like that right now--!!

The thing that attacked you--

He remembers hearing, very distantly. Very, very distantly. From far, far, so far away.

When?

The thing that attacked you...

Hiroki winces.

"Forgive me. I'm not good for you, Ziggy. You should be with someone gentle, someone patient, someone calm, someone who, I don't know, could give you the world. I can't. But - I'm begging you - let me be with you, even so--! You... you needn't do anything. Just let me be with you."

He hugs Ziggy, now, desperate, but still gentle. And still reeling inside. Trying to focus only on his love for Ziggy, in order not to hurt Ziggy anymore, but still reeling. And some anger at himself rising deep inside, too, one that was already almost buried, but haphazardly.

The thing that attacked you-

"Of course I do." Ziggy kisses his cheek. "Why else would I want to share my life with you like this."

For a moment Ziggy thinks about being asked to get married. It still makes him too nervous to think about but maybe he's warming up to the idea a little bit.

Ziggy puts his fingers to Hiroki's lips to stop the words and shakes his head. "It's part of choosing a human. As much as my parents love each other sometimes my dad's temper gets bad and mom doesn't feel good."

And then Ziggy starts laughing quietly. "I'm part human. You know I've made myself sick by getting angry?"

But the laughter subsides and he shakes his head. "Hiroki, you're already with me. Do I have to start calling you my boyfriend or something?" Ziggy didn't really like that term but it was worthwhile if it helped Hiroki. "Maybe I should take you to my world where if we walk hand in hand and kiss in public, every headline the next day would be about Ziggy Stardust's mystery boyfriend and how lucky he is?"

"The mystery boyfriend is the luckiest person in all the known and unknown realities, yes,"

Hiroki whispers, now grinning, honestly, yeah, and leaning closer, closer.

He stops speaking for a moment at the fingers, but then...

"The mystery boyfriend'll make sure nothing awful ever happens to Ziggy Stardust again."

"And right now, the mystery boyfriend is reporting for duty to tell his Stardust to hurry up, put his pants on, or whatever else, and go with the mystery boyfriend to see IGF-Atlas, because the mystery boyfriend might be fretting a bit."

"How's that? Would the Ziggy like to add anything? Everything was true so far. No slanders."

And he kisses his forehead, again.

Ziggy pulls his fingers away and replaces them briefly with his lips. "...and what if I didn't let him remain a mystery? Would he want the world to know that Hiroki is the boy that took Ziggy Stardust's heart?"

He's worried over the statement if keeping him safe. It will probably take some careful work of easing him into what it is like being famous. Otherwise the rabid fans might make him crazy.

"Yes, I have something to add." He runs his fingers through the paladin's hair. "My boyfriend isn't a mystery. His name is Hiroki and he is thoughtful, caring, loving, and incredibly sexy."

Ziggy grins and then gets up to get some boots that he can walk rather far in. Because he hasn't seen this robot and if it was huge, surely he would have if it was nearby.

Yeah, Atlas is quite huge, very huge, much bigger than Voltron himself. So Ziggy will see an enormous robot soon. Hiroki has no idea whether his beloved expects in any way just how enormous, but, it's not like that matters, does it?

"If anybody asks me how I've seduced you, I'll tell them the truth, I didn't. I never did. I came to your sort of concert, I fell head over heels, like anyone would, and then, later, you kicked an evil witch out of my head and let me take you home, which, well, was a privilege, as anyone would understand."

"And I left you there. I didn't think we'd meet again, I've never been that lucky. And then we met again. And you let me love you, from the bottom of my heart. And then I learnt I wasn't who I was, yet you still let me love you. Instead of freaking out. And there was a time when I was selfish enough to use you as a lifeline, I bet you know that, and yet you still let me."

"I never seduced the Ziggy Stardust, I could say. I tried to tell Ziggy Stardust that he musn't love me, because I'm dangerous. I truly am. Thing is, Ziggy Stardust never listens. It's hopeless. So I just fell further hopelessly in love, with no hope of ever doing what's best for Ziggy Stardust."

"So, I'll try to make being with me a good thing..."

He pauses.

"I'll try to make being with me a good thing for you, he says, his tone changing a bit from that half serious one until now. Now he's serious. And looks Ziggy straight in the eyes. "I want to be the one for you - without endangering, or making you hurt. I wish-"

"I mean-- you can have anyone. Anytime. I'm not saying--"

He falters.

And then he's serious again.

"All I'm saying is, as long as I exist in any way or form, until the universe ends, I like you. I love you, Ziggy. Until the end of all realities. And I'll stand by you, whatever it takes. Alright?"

And then he has to push some hair out of his eyes. And is now wondering whether he should just cut them again.

Hiroki Shirogane stands up, now ready to leave, to go with Ziggy to see Atlas, finally, at last. He can't wait. He hopes Ziggy's fine with all that.

Edited 2020-08-06 12:05 (UTC)

"You were charming." Ziggy protested playfully. "If i knew you'd like me so much I probably would have kissed you sooner."

"You can use that here ..but my world is very intolerant. You probably want to leave out the supernatural stuff or it might get us killed." Ziggy is more serious about this than maybe anything he's ever said. Hiroki needs to understand that about his world.

"You and music are the best things in my life." He meant it and though Hiroki didn't know it yet, now they were tangled together given what he was writing lately.

Ziggy comes over and tucks his hair behind his ear. "You should let me wash and style it for you." Ziggy purrs at him. "I'll massage your scalp... mmm and anywhere else you want my hands... something to look forward to when we get home?"

He hurries and puts his boots, and a pair of sunglasses, on before coming back to take Hiroki's hand and leave. This may be the first time Ziggy has left the house without make up on which already makes this a strange day.

Wow, being put next to music, which probably is Ziggy's life? Hiroki's heart's beating faster now, and he blushes.

"I've -- I've never been that praised," he utters. "I mean - made out to be -- that important. I don't- I don't--"

He fumbles. And trails off.

"D--don't praise me, Ziggy, you'll never get rid of me if you do. You'd have to kill me first. And even then you might not get rid of me, ever. Do you know what you're doing to me?"

A good thing, seeing as he's glowing now, that blue-white light, and feeling pretty great, outside and inside.

Hiroki Shirogane's gotten ready already. We should probably just go. I'll tell Atlas to expect us.

"Then I will have to praise you more." Ziggy looks over mischeviously. "I don't want to be rid of you."

The glow off of Hiroki seems to trigger Ziggy's forhead to glow, not that he notices it really, other than a desire to be close. When he has a hold of his love's hand, he leans against his arm, preparing to walk wherever they need to go.

"You mean you'll spoil me. If you spoil me too much, I might even believe I'm my own person."

Oh-

"I meant to say, good person," he quickly tries to backtrack. "That I might even believe I'm a good person. Madness, huh?"

The young Shirogane clone laughs nervously. Very nervously.

"You are a good person." Ziggy smiled as they started walking. "I can feel your care and kindness, even when you are angry it is there."

"There was a--" the young man says, suddenly, as they're walking towards, as Hiroki now thinks of it, Atlas's place. Further from any centre of Nexus.

"You know there were many Druids? Or maybe you don't."

"The Druid I've remembered just now. His name is Maecidus. He loves the High Priestess with all his heart. Well, they all do, you know."

"His name is Maecidus. He had come into my head once. That was neat, because apart from such visits, all there was was pain and darkness."

"Maecidus said 'This one is probably blind, too. Another failure.'

I wanted to know what's 'blind'. Maecidus said, 'It means all that awaits any Subject is darkness.'

Something waiting for me? That was new. Something waiting for me, really? Would anything?"

Hiroki shakes his head.

"That stayed with me for next some days. Not that anything else happened for those days, so. Of quiznaking course that stayed with me. I was... wondering. Wondering what 'darkness' was and why it waits for me."

Ziggy listens carefully, though it is confusing. "I didn't know but I want to know everything about you."

He was serious. Hiroki could tell him anything about his past and he would listen and remember and when necessary give him comfort.

"I think I had been blind. Physically, I mean. My eyes."

"Until one day I wasn't blind."

Half-shrug.

"Colours are scary. Did you know? Terrfying. I mean, they were. At the beginning. I wonder why. I don't understand that, as I am now. I can't understand why colours scared me."

"All I know is that purple was the scariest colour. Back then."

"And red, too. And white. Not that I knew names of colours, back then."

"But even more terrifying was... lights."

Edited 2020-08-06 21:42 (UTC)

"Was that because the witch was purple?" Ziggy had some latent fears from his attacks. It made sense to him that Hiroki might have some from his attacker too. "She felt purple some how. I don't know but she did."

Though the part about lights worries him. "Are you going to be alright at my shows? Sometimes we use colored lights."

Edited 2020-08-06 21:43 (UTC)

"She is purple..."

Huh.

"That was... lights. Flashing lights, Ziggy. Back then. I'd rather've died."

"What? Of course I'll be fine. Don't be a worrywart."

"I will always worry." Ziggy kissed his cheek as they walked. "I love you and you'll have to accept it."

Hiroki wants to kiss him, too, but if he did, they might never get to their destination today.

"Water. Once, I went with Lance to the pool. Castle of Lion's pool. We used to do that. Er, Lance and Keith used to."

"I submerged myself into water. Suddenly... I think I started screaming. I... I don't remember. When I opened my eyes again, I wasn't in the pool. I was wet. So was Lance."

"So. Lance. You know. Blue Paladin. My friend. He was looking at me, concerned. He said swimming is dumb, Shiro! I agreed. So dumb."

"We laughed. We didn't swim. I don't know why. I never knew why."

Hiroki suddenly stops walking.

"I don't know why, Ziggy! And it's only now that I realise... Lance was wet. And crying."

"I'm just learning to swim. There isn't any standing water where I grew up." Ziggy, like the other Antheans were still startled by large bodies of water.

"My mom knows ways to help people remember, if you want to remember."

"I... I almost drowned, didn't I? Lance saved me."

"Shiro can swim. I... I can't swim, Ziggy. I only know how to."

"I. I want to remember everything."

"Let's learn how to swim together? I can teach you."

Even though Hiroki never swam. And almost drowned.

He starts walking again.

"I want to remember everything I can't remember. And everything Honerva doesn't want me to remember."

"I want to know!"

"My dad was teaching me. Maybe they'd both come so my mom can learn too?"

Ziggy thinks it would be fun for the four of them to be out like a family.

"You can ask her to help. If the memories are painful you might want my dad or her cousin there to help her."

"Sounds great. Let's have ourselves a family swimming lesson. It's a date!"

"Ziggy, I'm no child. I can take the pain. I shall ask her. Shortly."

So...

Anyway, he's walking. With Ziggy at his side.

"Macidus, another time he was in my head. He said... what did he say? I didn't understand a word, back then."

"He said. for a weapon, you look rather desperately lively, instead. Not broken enough yet. Even though you were made broken from the start. Did you somehow learn how to lie? Or pretend?"

"Am I desperate to live, Ziggy?"

Edited 2020-08-06 23:11 (UTC)

"I'll call them tonight and see when they're free."

"Hiroki, you don't understand." Ziggy tells him gently. "You'll feel each other's memories. She'll feel yours and you'll feel any of hers that come up too. You'll need the support."

"I think you're very strong." Ziggy leans into his shoulder as they walk. "You've been through so much and you still smile and laugh a lot, you want to experience things and can love deeply. I think you've got an incredible spirit. It's beautiful to see you live."

"Mother's memories? Oh. Then... oh. Sure."

"Strong? Ziggy. If I was strong, I wouldn't have tried to kill Keith. He's like a brother-- no, he--"

"And don't tell me that was Honerva. I chose where we fought, I managed that much. If I was just slightly stronger... surely I could've chosen to kill myself and all other clones before fighting. You see, there was a moment... when I wanted to do that. But Honerva was against that. And I couldn't, quite--"

"So you see, Ziggy, how weak I was. Am. I had fought her; I lost. Because I'm weak. If I loved as strongly as you think I do, I'd have won against Honerva."

Edited 2020-08-06 23:54 (UTC)

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Yes, he could distantly hear real Shiro talking to Keith in spirits after the fight. A little.

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