The Elephant in the Room

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Things were unbelievable. Ziggy was high on life, so much so that even his cocaine use diminished. Reduced to something at a recreation, instead of life sustaining. A mere week and his drinking was all but gone, except whiskey in his coffee, always. 

They'd come to a routine. Ziggy recording, Hiroki training, sharing meals together. They both could cook and that was unexpected, though Ziggy couldn't place why he found it odd. Importantly, Hiroki indulged Ziggy's craving for unending contact. And the sex! When they touched it didn't stop until they were falling asleep, worn out by the desperate need for each other. It was unrestrained as they abandoned themselves to each other. Someone was getting close to satiating his desire for sex and intimacy. It wasn't all day like Ziggy had imagined he would need, daily, perhaps but the idea that it didn't need to be so all consuming to be satisfying was new to the Anthean. 

And he didn't have to hide. Since Hiroki returned, Ziggy hadn't put his contacts back in. He could let the Anthean part of himself be exposed, be safe with it known, and, if he was honest with himself, it seemed that Hiroki treasured him more because of it. There was  perhaps something to be said for acceptance he could never find on Earth. That acceptance went both ways. Ziggy accepted the fact that his lover was a dead clone, but the Anthean had never seen him as just a clone anyway.

Those thoughts brought questions that had Ziggy glancing up at his lover from where they lay on the couch together. They needed to talk about the elephant, or rather giant robot, metaphorically in the room with them. 

"Hiroki?" He asked quietly, not really wanting to disturb him while he read. 

Comments

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"Was that because the witch was purple?" Ziggy had some latent fears from his attacks. It made sense to him that Hiroki might have some from his attacker too. "She felt purple some how. I don't know but she did."

Though the part about lights worries him. "Are you going to be alright at my shows? Sometimes we use colored lights."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"She is purple..."

Huh.

"That was... lights. Flashing lights, Ziggy. Back then. I'd rather've died."

"What? Of course I'll be fine. Don't be a worrywart."

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"I will always worry." Ziggy kissed his cheek as they walked. "I love you and you'll have to accept it."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Hiroki wants to kiss him, too, but if he did, they might never get to their destination today.

"Water. Once, I went with Lance to the pool. Castle of Lion's pool. We used to do that. Er, Lance and Keith used to."

"I submerged myself into water. Suddenly... I think I started screaming. I... I don't remember. When I opened my eyes again, I wasn't in the pool. I was wet. So was Lance."

"So. Lance. You know. Blue Paladin. My friend. He was looking at me, concerned. He said swimming is dumb, Shiro! I agreed. So dumb."

"We laughed. We didn't swim. I don't know why. I never knew why."

Hiroki suddenly stops walking.

"I don't know why, Ziggy! And it's only now that I realise... Lance was wet. And crying."

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"I'm just learning to swim. There isn't any standing water where I grew up." Ziggy, like the other Antheans were still startled by large bodies of water.

"My mom knows ways to help people remember, if you want to remember."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"I... I almost drowned, didn't I? Lance saved me."

"Shiro can swim. I... I can't swim, Ziggy. I only know how to."

"I. I want to remember everything."

"Let's learn how to swim together? I can teach you."

Even though Hiroki never swam. And almost drowned.

He starts walking again.

"I want to remember everything I can't remember. And everything Honerva doesn't want me to remember."

"I want to know!"

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"My dad was teaching me. Maybe they'd both come so my mom can learn too?"

Ziggy thinks it would be fun for the four of them to be out like a family.

"You can ask her to help. If the memories are painful you might want my dad or her cousin there to help her."

1/2

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Sounds great. Let's have ourselves a family swimming lesson. It's a date!"

2/2

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Ziggy, I'm no child. I can take the pain. I shall ask her. Shortly."

So...

Anyway, he's walking. With Ziggy at his side.

"Macidus, another time he was in my head. He said... what did he say? I didn't understand a word, back then."

"He said. for a weapon, you look rather desperately lively, instead. Not broken enough yet. Even though you were made broken from the start. Did you somehow learn how to lie? Or pretend?"

"Am I desperate to live, Ziggy?"

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"I'll call them tonight and see when they're free."

"Hiroki, you don't understand." Ziggy tells him gently. "You'll feel each other's memories. She'll feel yours and you'll feel any of hers that come up too. You'll need the support."

"I think you're very strong." Ziggy leans into his shoulder as they walk. "You've been through so much and you still smile and laugh a lot, you want to experience things and can love deeply. I think you've got an incredible spirit. It's beautiful to see you live."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Mother's memories? Oh. Then... oh. Sure."

"Strong? Ziggy. If I was strong, I wouldn't have tried to kill Keith. He's like a brother-- no, he--"

"And don't tell me that was Honerva. I chose where we fought, I managed that much. If I was just slightly stronger... surely I could've chosen to kill myself and all other clones before fighting. You see, there was a moment... when I wanted to do that. But Honerva was against that. And I couldn't, quite--"

"So you see, Ziggy, how weak I was. Am. I had fought her; I lost. Because I'm weak. If I loved as strongly as you think I do, I'd have won against Honerva."

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy gives him a pointed look. "Stop with the bullshit. You didn't know you were a clone until after you met me. How the hell do you think you could do something about what you didn't even know existed?"

Ziggy stops, arm stiffening so Hiroki has to stop with him. "Maybe your weakness is from trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you are? We all make the world by what we believe and I am not about to feed into this idea that you are some weak, undeserving thing. I know better and you're not going to convince me to believe this self destructive stuff."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"The only reason I didn't know was because I didn't want to know. I was lying to myself."

"I'm a liar, Ziggy. I often lied. And never knew."

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"Didn't want to or you were forced to not want to?" Ziggy is being stubborn, as usual.

"I saw who was in your mind, so did someone else in the family. She's horrible." If that wasn't obvious in the fact that multiple pacifists would go full blown psychic warfare on her in a heartbeat.

sorry? he'll be back... XD I wasn't expecting this, much, either... XD

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Forced to...

"Listen, you're not going to invalidate my life just because Honerva was hovering over it. You have no idea-"

"I was who I was, even if I wasn't, but there are things I felt that were me, that were mine, Ziggy, and that were true! I care about Keith, Pidge, Matt, Lance, Allura, Hunk, and Coran."

"I wanted to fight for anyone who couldn't fight for themselves against Zarkon's and Honerva's and Lotor's Empire!"

"I wanted to still be a Paladin of Voltron, even if Black's rejection at first hurt me a lot!"

"Those may have originated in another's memories... but later-- that was all me, Ziggy!"

"So don't telling me I didn't feel what I felt! I, Hiroki Shirogane, even if I had no name of my own back then. So-- you can't say that I--"

"That I didn't feel anything of my own."

He's panting. And glowing, that blue-white light. And then, suddenly, he disappears.

Well, just panic your princess.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

He wanted to argue that the love was true but maybe some other things weren't. He wanted to tell him about what Honerva did in the mind space, especially with Tommy. He just wanted Hiroki to understand that he's not a bad person. Ziggy's desperate for that understanding.

But then he just disappears. For a moment, he doesn't panic. After all, his mom's people can astral project, but it quickly sets in that Hiroki is not Anthean. The terror is too much for him to take in. The panic that he's dead again sets in so fast that Ziggy just collapses unconscious where he's standing. Everything going black before he can stop it. He's probably going to get injured if he's falling on a hard surface, hopefully he's in the grass or something where it will just be bruises instead of breaks.

Yup... poor Ziggster. Hiroki will be back in a few but just. Using this opportunity. XD

[making_sacrifices]

Allura was doing some maintenance on IGF-Atlas, but she's finished with it, and now going to, well, her temporary home. However, on her way she notices.

A collapsed person.

Immediately, she crouches near. And checks the vital signs.

"Are you alright? No, you probably can't hear me."

Can't if unconscious.

Perfect use of opportunity

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy isn't human enough, most of the human pulse points, he doesn't have, also his heart is in his back and hard to feel the beat from the front of the chest.

However, he is breathing. Supported by the groaning and mumbling of Hiroki's name. Ziggy however is firmly entrenched in a nightmare about the first night after Shiro told him his beloved was dead. Allura might feel the incredible pain and loss emanating from him at this point

:D

[making_sacrifices]

Hiroki? Could this possibly be one of Hiroki Shiro's friends in Nexus?

And so much pain...

She'll try to look into his mind gently. Ready to retreat if there's any discomfort at her presence.

my name is Allura. I'm a friend of Hiroki's, and I mean you no harm.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy can't hear her readily because he is reliving a memory and if she stays. She will experience it first person. It starts with pain and drinking, heavily. The mind say that it will numb everything. Only it doesn't. The loss is still there and the crying and eventually outright screaming because the hurt needs to be vented. Then cocaine is added to the mix and more drinking. In this memory, it was the first attempt to drown out everything to just stop experiencing anything because he's alone. The heartbreak would be tangible even if she wasn't in his mind.

There's another thread with the memory, a fear that he is about to relive that, that Hiroki is gone.. lost to him again. Ziggy has just shut off. He doesnt want to be trapped in the memory but he doesn't want to wake up either. He thinks he's just seen Hiroki's spirit die and he can't shake the pain, can't disbelieve that is what has just happened before his eyes.

sorry in advance. XD

[making_sacrifices]

Oh. Oh, no, has something happened to Hiroki-Shiro?

Pulling out of his mind now, dimly aware now that this might be Ziggy, Allura searches. Without leaving collapsed Ziggy alone, she's not like that, she's aware he might need help.

But she searches.

And sighs with relief when, in mind, she finds Hiroki-Shiro, asleep, she might call it, or resting, inside the vast Quintessence of the Atlas.

She smiles, then turns back to Ziggy. And then. Picks him up.

"Let's go to Atlas, hm? Don't fret. It's not that far away."

Oh. He's so light. Antheans... are they a little like birds or something? She was ready for more Altean or Galra or human weight.

Well, she'll be gentle with him.

No worries

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy doesn't wake when he's moved but he does have scraped knees, the danger of short dresses and passing out. He also might have a bump to the head, but it isn't bad. Ziggy just keeps grinding on the memories of thinking Hiroki was dead and terrified now that he's been abandoned, or worse, that Hiroki is dead again.

:)

[making_sacrifices]

Allura pats him a little.

Shsh, shsh, your husband's there, just resting. We're going to him. Be strong.

And finally they're in sight of Atlas. Allura sighs. She's almost sure Ziggy should feel everything from here if he's like lady Aletayria... unless he's just stuck too deep in his memories.

Atlas isn't only Hiroki. But familiar strands of Quintessence, of presence, deep, deep, deep inside, should be recognisable.

To her they are. To him, too, most likely.

"I guess we'll go inside. He'll know I haven't done anything to you. You fretted, huh? It's alright. And he might, too, but it's alright."

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy is unresponsive but when they get close to the Atlas he just starts crying. He's stuck in a memory of thinking Hiroki is dead so feeling his presence hurts. In the memory he wanted it so badly, to feel his presence, and he was convinced he would never feel it again.

[making_sacrifices]

Allura carries Ziggy inside Atlas. Goes up to one of the control panels and places Ziggy's hand on it.

Ziggy will probably now, quickly, feel the familiar presence reaching out to him gently.

Allura smiles.

Meanwhile, there's that reaching out. Like a nonverbal at all hey. Hey, I know you. Hey.Hey. Hey. poking at Ziggy's mind now, in various places, without reservation.

Allura winces and moves to take take Ziggy's hand away, but at that, she can feel a warning of discontent, on Atlas's side, like a soundless growl, so she doesn't do that, for now.