The Elephant in the Room

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Things were unbelievable. Ziggy was high on life, so much so that even his cocaine use diminished. Reduced to something at a recreation, instead of life sustaining. A mere week and his drinking was all but gone, except whiskey in his coffee, always. 

They'd come to a routine. Ziggy recording, Hiroki training, sharing meals together. They both could cook and that was unexpected, though Ziggy couldn't place why he found it odd. Importantly, Hiroki indulged Ziggy's craving for unending contact. And the sex! When they touched it didn't stop until they were falling asleep, worn out by the desperate need for each other. It was unrestrained as they abandoned themselves to each other. Someone was getting close to satiating his desire for sex and intimacy. It wasn't all day like Ziggy had imagined he would need, daily, perhaps but the idea that it didn't need to be so all consuming to be satisfying was new to the Anthean. 

And he didn't have to hide. Since Hiroki returned, Ziggy hadn't put his contacts back in. He could let the Anthean part of himself be exposed, be safe with it known, and, if he was honest with himself, it seemed that Hiroki treasured him more because of it. There was  perhaps something to be said for acceptance he could never find on Earth. That acceptance went both ways. Ziggy accepted the fact that his lover was a dead clone, but the Anthean had never seen him as just a clone anyway.

Those thoughts brought questions that had Ziggy glancing up at his lover from where they lay on the couch together. They needed to talk about the elephant, or rather giant robot, metaphorically in the room with them. 

"Hiroki?" He asked quietly, not really wanting to disturb him while he read. 

Comments

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"I think I'll finish, I'm curious - whoa, though-- if you do this, I might get distracted."

Heh.

"By a very distracting person."

He kisses him back.

"Aa, the light? It's just my Quintessence. My, hm, spirit?"

Why, huh?

"It feels good. I think I'm healing. If you asked me a year ago if one can put together an utterly broken glass, or something, I'm no good at methaphors, I'd have said no, but nowadays, I'm not so sure."

Smiles.

It really does, at that. Feel nice. It does now.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"I can't help that I'm irresistible." Ziggy grins at him. "Or that I'm hopelessly in love with you."

And it did feel hopeless, not that he wanted to stop, not a bit. Ziggy reached up, touching his skin where it is glowing.

"I'll help with all the little pieces even if it cuts my fingers." Ziggy responded to the metaphor with a kiss to his chest. "Sometimes you find a glass beautiful enough to spend all the time in the world gently putting the pieces back because it is better than any of the others, even the seeming duplicates of it."

Ziggy's not quite sure if he was flirting or decaring his love, maybe for him they were the same. "You make me glow sometimes, my forehead. I've never had anyone cause that to happen."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"I hope you know I don't deserve you at all," Hiroki utters, almost smiling, and leaning into all that.

"Which, I guess, means you're a gift. And I can only give what little I have in return, huh? But you know that already," he says, and then kisses the palm of his hand, just lightly.

"It does, right... I've seen it glow. What does it mean?"

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"Maybe I'm the one that doesn't deserve you?" He says while wrapping his arms around Hiroki.

"You're enough, just as you are." Ziggy counters but then that kiss. He has to whisper breathlessly. "Don't start that unless you're looking to get undressed."

It still makes Ziggy reel after so long having to hide his alien self. It felt amazing to have someone indulge those desires, someone he can trust.

"I.. I don't know." He really didn't know and had never seen it happen to other Antheans either. "It feels like I'm trying to hug you or something but with my mind. I think... I don't know.. and I can't control it. It just happens sometimes."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Oh."

To hug him with his spirit, maybe?

Very unlike fighting Zarkon in spirit, for sure.

But if one can punch and kick, it only makes sense one can hug.

Hmmm.

"Are you shy?" The clone asks, teasingly. "About not physical stuff? Just hug me. I'm here. And can hug you. I only ever punched or loosely connected there, in spurit, but I wouldn't punch you. So if ever... go ahead."

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"No, I'm not shy!" Ziggy protested among giggles. The giggles were his nerves. He wasn't shy about the mental connection but there were things about Hiroki that did make him feel shy. He hadn't forgotten that he'd ask to marry him.

"I don't know how." That was close to the truth. "I can ask my mom how it works. I'm sure she would have done it with my father."

His hand drifted over Hiroki's chest. "I only really feel it when we're having sex. I'll try to remember but...god, do you make it hard for me to even think."

Ziggy loved intimacy and sex but with Hiroki it was something different, especially now that he was getting into the rhythm of pleasure both his human and alien parts. He wasn't sure he could think or remember enough to try and work on it."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Was he pressuring Ziggy for more intimacy than...?

"It's fine, you don't have to. You never have to. We can stick to just. Everything you like. I like it, too, so..."

He does like it all. With his Ziggy.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"I want to. I .. you just feel so good that I can't promise I'll remember to do anything." Ziggy leaned into Hiroki, nuzzling his face into the curve of his neck. "I want everything with you. I want so much more with you than I've ever wanted. I don't even know what to do about what I feel sometimes."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"I don't know, either, really. I just, I just want everything good in all the realities for you. But what if I'm not somebody who can give you that? I don't want anything less than everything you wish for, for you. I want--"

"I want you to be happy."

He blushes and glows a little. Turns away.

"A-anyway, let's go see Atlas? What if..."

"What if then you decide I'm too much of a weirdo? You can still change your mind, no pressure. You know that. If you ever no longer want me, don't take pity on me or- well."

He's half-kidding.

Half.

And I really want him to see IGF-Atlas, he thinks. Why? I really want... why? I don't know. Not quite.

A need for... for what? Maybe someday he'll understand himself. First, he'll have to accept that he's not quite a shiro, or no understanding will come, he thinks.

Still. He knows what he wants, even if he has no idea why. He wants Ziggy on Atlas if possible, if it's alright... Yes. He wants Ziggy to be aboard Atlas, just for a moment is enough.

Why?

Who knows.

It's selfish, probably. So selfish. He wanted it, but...

Well, Ziggy asked about it, so maybe it's no longer too selfish.

"I'm just kidding."

And Shirogane moves a little, relaxes, and gives a kiss, to Ziggy's forehead.

"Just. Let's get ready and go?"

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"Hiroki." Ziggy leans up with his elbows on his chest. "If we're together it isn't about I. It's we. We should be happy and do everything. I'm not used to thinking that way either."

Ziggy starts laughing and kisses his cheek. "Maybe I like weirdos and it will just make you hotter?"

Ziggy doesn't think there's much that would make him not like Hiroki, certainly not anything like this. It would take time to adjust but there was so much he was already trying to adjust to.

Ziggy smiles at him because this feels so right. He's never had anyone intimate he could just be all of himself with. "You're not going anywhere until I get a proper kiss."

He's teasing, flirting because he's so happy that he doesn't know how else to respond. He has to wonder if he's still a little high off the adrenaline of getting his lover back from death.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Just a kiss? That's very modest of you. But, good, if we don't go, we might just never go, and spend all day here. And I really want to introduce you."

Kisses him. Probably more than once. A few times at least. But, then, thinks about going, seriously. Or they might just stay in bed.

And he's not kidding, he wants to show Atlas, especially now that Ziggy doesn't mind seeing him.

"And Ziggy, I'm happy every day. It's such a wonderful feeling, waking up everyday clearheaded and with no headaches, pure bliss, really. How could I not be happy? And with you, at that. I have more than I've ever dreamt of. Happy? I think I'm ecstatic nowadays. Having no witches around will do that, for any clone. Purely ecstatic."

He tries not to giggle.

And, yeah, getting back from death is a hell of a drug. And getting somebody else back from it? Must feel even much better, the young clone would think. He doesn't quite know what Ziggy's thinking, but still.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"I'd spend all day here with you." And that is exactly why he kept it to a kiss... or several kisses. He falls passionately into all of them.

Ziggy's smile falters when the list of why Hiroki is happy has so little to do with his presence. He's terrified that he will leave because most people did. They might spend a few days or a week with him and then go. He was more a bragging right to the people he wanted close to, rarely did they want what he did. It was one of the reasons he just accepted his companionship would only be sex and nothing more. Usually that was all people gave him. Now that he has a hint of something more he's afraid of being thrown away. Hiroko no doubt can feel the spike of fear and worry as Ziggy sits up.

He glances at Hiroki before standing; shy and frightened. He wonders if he knows how attached Ziggy is getting, how hurt he would be if he left. Though he doesn't mention it. Hiroki worries enough as it is.

"I just need shoes."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

And that worry, and yes, he does feel it, Hiroki winces. What's wrong?

"Hey. Hey, talk to me. Ziggy, you, what's wrong, what... you, what are you- what's-"

What are you afraid of? How does one even ask that??

You... what are you even...

He leans closer.

"Anata..."

He trails off, unsure what to even say, when Ziggy suddenly seems so worried.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy stops to stare and feels instantly even more panicked. It takes him a long time before he sits back down heavily. "You.. well when you say you're happy it's all about your headaches being gone and the witch..."

And what about me? Ziggy is sort of selfish and has a need for praise and direct attention. He just looks down and shrugs. "I've always just been a conquest for other people, something they could brag about when they're through with me."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Because it's obvious that you make me happy, obvious like the sun rising, so there's no need to say that you make me happy, because, isn't it obvious to you already?? To you, my love? That I'm happy with you?? I love you, I love you, I--"

"What the quiznak, aren't you feeling my emotions?! Isn't that a thing you do?! If you couldn't, I'd spend probably nowadays just spend each day, every hour, just telling you I love you, you make me feel like I can-- be content with being myself, you make me glad, you--I... you... I-- what the--- no, are you for real?! Asking if I-- saying that I--- that hurts, you know!"

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"I'm still a person and not just a listening antenna." Ziggy sighs and pulls his knees up into his chest when he feels the hurt. Ziggy is hurting too and he hugs his knees to his chest.

"I know you love me and I can feel it, but it would be nice to hear that I am one if the things that make your life better. I know you make mine better."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Of course you're a person, I know you--"

"You know you're one of the most important people to me."

"Are you kidding? You make my life better every day. You're my--"

He trails off.

"Listen, you're an amazing person. And without you, I'd probably, right now, stay in the Atlas. Because why ever would I leave there?"

"But you - you make me believe I could have a life with you. Maybe it's a pipe dream. Maybe I won't exist tomorrow. And that would make you sad, so sometimes I wonder, if I should somehow make you hate me, so that you can live without me. And if I were a good person, perhaps I'd do that. But I don't want that. I don't want to do that, ever. Because I love you too much, and I'm too happy just-- just being with you. Sorry. I'm sorry."

And he suddenly smiles.

"But you see, I'm just too selfish. I'm so sorry. But I love you, and I'm happy with you, and it wouldn't matter if you stabbed me right now, or anything, you see? Do you understand?"

"And of course you're a person. See, people can only ever truly love another person. Not symbols or what have you. That'd be just a fling or whatever. You're not a fling to me. You're-- you're Ziggy, who's the most wonderful person in the world. You see?"

"And I'm sorry. I didn't think -- I just thought all my feelings are plainly visible to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

He's still hurting over what Ziggy's said, a moment ago, doubting him, but he's also genuinely sorry if Ziggy felt that... all that...

and is ready to keep apologising, from the bottom of his hurt. Even if he's still feeling like Ziggy's just stabbed him or something.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy scoots over and right into Hiroki's lap to cuddle with him. "You can always be selfish about me. I want you to be."

That was the truth. Being wanted so much and so loved was better than drugs. This was what he had always craved and never really knew. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I never want to. It's just... well... when you're famous you get used to no one staying around and they say and even feel things that fade so quickly."

He was trying to explain himself at least. "I think you're the first person I've been intimate with that ... well.. hasnt treated me like an object or a whore... or..."

Ziggy just leaned against him, fear rising in his emotions because of memories, assaults on his person. There had been so many in just a short time. He turns to look at Hiroki, stroking his hair.

"I can feel plainly but sometimes it's nice to hear too, just like you probably want to hear me say how much I love you even though you can feel my emotions too."

He leans in pressing thier foreheads together. "I don't want to hurt you but sometimes... i guess I can't help it because of what was done to me."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Okay."

"It's alright if you hurt me, I don't mind, just please, please, don't be sad, and please, don't doubt my love for you, I'd rather you killed me, you see? I'd rather--"

"And I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so, so sorry, I didn't even think. I'm sorry."

"But, please-- do anything to me, but don't doubt me. I-- I'm here because -- I'm here because --- listen, do you think I'd have any reason to leave the spirit of Atlas here in Nexus, but to be with the one I love?"

"But if you can't believe I love you, then... then why should I be here, Ziggy?"

Hiroki Shirogane takes a deep breath. Hair strokes feel nice. But, wait, what has Ziggy just said?!

Hiroki's voice is harsh now, when he utters, "Don't tell me who had treated you like that, unless you want them very, very dead. If you do, tell me."

Anger. Hatred. For such a loving person - there's lots of love in Hiroki Shirogane - there's also mounds of hatred somewhere inside, shoved away, just waiting for a reason to rise, somehow.

Right now it's directed at all the people who had hurt Ziggy, whoever those people might be.

Crush them. Grind them into pieces..

Own thoughts.

Shiro's clone is now looking at Ziggy intensely, waiting if Ziggy will tell him who's hurt him.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"No, it's not. It's never ok to hurt people, especially the one's you love, but sometimes it happens accidently because something is misunderstood." Ziggy was adamant about the not hurting people... though he thinks about the witch who hurt Hiroki and decides she doesn't count.

"I do believe you love me and that I make you happy. I just.. well... Just because I can read it in you .. that doesn't mean I don't want to hear you say it too sometimes. It makes me happy to hear you say it even if I already know it's true."

That wave of aggression and hate makes Ziggy groan like he's sick and lean against Hiroki. When it gets most intense little trembles pass though his body. He can feel the nausea rising in his stomach. "It's ok...just.. i don't feel good."

He doesn't under the blinding rage he's feeling.

Yes, he could distantly hear real Shiro talking to Keith in spirits after the fight. A little.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"You believe me? I'm glad."

He smiles, so relieved, just so relieved, but then, his smile falters when Ziggy seems unwell.

Hiroki panics. Was that his doing? Ziggy, Ziggy couldn't stand bad, negative feelings like these, could he? And he was doing something like that right now--!!

The thing that attacked you--

He remembers hearing, very distantly. Very, very distantly. From far, far, so far away.

When?

The thing that attacked you...

Hiroki winces.

"Forgive me. I'm not good for you, Ziggy. You should be with someone gentle, someone patient, someone calm, someone who, I don't know, could give you the world. I can't. But - I'm begging you - let me be with you, even so--! You... you needn't do anything. Just let me be with you."

He hugs Ziggy, now, desperate, but still gentle. And still reeling inside. Trying to focus only on his love for Ziggy, in order not to hurt Ziggy anymore, but still reeling. And some anger at himself rising deep inside, too, one that was already almost buried, but haphazardly.

The thing that attacked you-

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"Of course I do." Ziggy kisses his cheek. "Why else would I want to share my life with you like this."

For a moment Ziggy thinks about being asked to get married. It still makes him too nervous to think about but maybe he's warming up to the idea a little bit.

Ziggy puts his fingers to Hiroki's lips to stop the words and shakes his head. "It's part of choosing a human. As much as my parents love each other sometimes my dad's temper gets bad and mom doesn't feel good."

And then Ziggy starts laughing quietly. "I'm part human. You know I've made myself sick by getting angry?"

But the laughter subsides and he shakes his head. "Hiroki, you're already with me. Do I have to start calling you my boyfriend or something?" Ziggy didn't really like that term but it was worthwhile if it helped Hiroki. "Maybe I should take you to my world where if we walk hand in hand and kiss in public, every headline the next day would be about Ziggy Stardust's mystery boyfriend and how lucky he is?"

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"The mystery boyfriend is the luckiest person in all the known and unknown realities, yes,"

Hiroki whispers, now grinning, honestly, yeah, and leaning closer, closer.

He stops speaking for a moment at the fingers, but then...

"The mystery boyfriend'll make sure nothing awful ever happens to Ziggy Stardust again."

"And right now, the mystery boyfriend is reporting for duty to tell his Stardust to hurry up, put his pants on, or whatever else, and go with the mystery boyfriend to see IGF-Atlas, because the mystery boyfriend might be fretting a bit."

"How's that? Would the Ziggy like to add anything? Everything was true so far. No slanders."

And he kisses his forehead, again.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy pulls his fingers away and replaces them briefly with his lips. "...and what if I didn't let him remain a mystery? Would he want the world to know that Hiroki is the boy that took Ziggy Stardust's heart?"

He's worried over the statement if keeping him safe. It will probably take some careful work of easing him into what it is like being famous. Otherwise the rabid fans might make him crazy.

"Yes, I have something to add." He runs his fingers through the paladin's hair. "My boyfriend isn't a mystery. His name is Hiroki and he is thoughtful, caring, loving, and incredibly sexy."

Ziggy grins and then gets up to get some boots that he can walk rather far in. Because he hasn't seen this robot and if it was huge, surely he would have if it was nearby.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Yeah, Atlas is quite huge, very huge, much bigger than Voltron himself. So Ziggy will see an enormous robot soon. Hiroki has no idea whether his beloved expects in any way just how enormous, but, it's not like that matters, does it?

"If anybody asks me how I've seduced you, I'll tell them the truth, I didn't. I never did. I came to your sort of concert, I fell head over heels, like anyone would, and then, later, you kicked an evil witch out of my head and let me take you home, which, well, was a privilege, as anyone would understand."

"And I left you there. I didn't think we'd meet again, I've never been that lucky. And then we met again. And you let me love you, from the bottom of my heart. And then I learnt I wasn't who I was, yet you still let me love you. Instead of freaking out. And there was a time when I was selfish enough to use you as a lifeline, I bet you know that, and yet you still let me."

"I never seduced the Ziggy Stardust, I could say. I tried to tell Ziggy Stardust that he musn't love me, because I'm dangerous. I truly am. Thing is, Ziggy Stardust never listens. It's hopeless. So I just fell further hopelessly in love, with no hope of ever doing what's best for Ziggy Stardust."

"So, I'll try to make being with me a good thing..."

He pauses.

"I'll try to make being with me a good thing for you, he says, his tone changing a bit from that half serious one until now. Now he's serious. And looks Ziggy straight in the eyes. "I want to be the one for you - without endangering, or making you hurt. I wish-"

"I mean-- you can have anyone. Anytime. I'm not saying--"

He falters.

And then he's serious again.

"All I'm saying is, as long as I exist in any way or form, until the universe ends, I like you. I love you, Ziggy. Until the end of all realities. And I'll stand by you, whatever it takes. Alright?"

And then he has to push some hair out of his eyes. And is now wondering whether he should just cut them again.

Hiroki Shirogane stands up, now ready to leave, to go with Ziggy to see Atlas, finally, at last. He can't wait. He hopes Ziggy's fine with all that.